Why Boys Are Hotter in Summer

• Less clothing and darker skin, obvs.
• Everyone's fatter in winter especially me
• T-shirt chest sweat
• Exposed calves with stupid tattoos on them
• Hanging out topless with their t-shirt shoved in their back pocket
• When sometimes there's a guy who has been working out probably less than a year and he's still fascinated with his developing muscles so he discreetly fondles his pectoral but pretends he's just scratching but you can tell he's not
• Arms
• Leaps for the frisbee and you can see their tummy for a sec
• Sunglasses on the head make straight boys look 5% gayer
• Everbody looks like they've just had sex, are about to have sex, or are currently having sex
• They touch each other more for some reason I think maybe
• And lastly THEY'RE EVERYWHERE OMG AAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!

IT'S LIKE A HEAT WAVE! BURNIN' IN MY HEART!

I'm going to tell you a story called this morning I fought my way through a throng of A-cup Jonas Brothers fans and their unemployed moms and confronted an NYPD cop trying to stop me from entering work though I had practically shoved my ID into his (rather chiseled and dreamy) face ONLY TO GET TO MY OFFICE and find out the air conditioning's broken and it's like 80 degrees in here.

My first thought was "Oh, I never noticed we don't have windows to open, probably because of the abundance of natural lighting from those skylights we have." My second thought was "Oh good I can't wait until noon when the sunlight turns this place into a real live sauna only without the free sex!"

So while I suffocate, let me tell you another story called last night on Xena, Xena and Gabrielle teamed up with the King of Thieves who looked like an ugly Matt Dillon to steal a chest that contained a powerful weapon. Xena pretended to be a whore, which was neat because she kissed a long-haired guy I liked and then blah blah blah and at the end the chest had a light inside the set you on fire if you ran away, and it turns out the chest was the Ark of the Covenant.

And so Xena brought the Ten Commandments down to the Jews, who were homeless people on an ox cart. I recently started reading the Bible (for literary purposes), and I'm up to the second plague of Egypt, but I think I can skip ahead past the rest of the Moses part because that's obvs not how it really happened, THANKS XENA FOR SETTING ME RIGHT!

Ok from now I'm going to tell you all about that happened in Xena after I watch it 12 years after it aired.

Lastly before I spontaneously combust here is a picture of my cat I took last night.