13 stone 8!

If you are a close follower of my Twitter account (and you should be), then you already know that my body weight has reached an unprecedented 190+ pounds and that this exciting milestone was reached Wednesday evening on the scale belonging to my friends Mark and Kandace, who outdid themselves at this year's Thanksgiving feast. Kudos, guys.

Now if you'll all please consult your star charts, you will see that Wednesday evening fell precisely 18 hours B.B. or BEFORE THE BINGE! God only knows where I stand now that Thanksgiving has come and... sort of stuck around.

TG is over, though (and t g for that), but that doesn't mean the end of my rampant expansion because my subsidized calendar states that tomorrow starts the Month of Southern Comfort Eggnog and Cranberry Bliss Bars for Every Meal. (Gregorian is so 16th-century.) And the MoSCEaCBBfEM is everyone's favorite part of Fat and Gluttony Season Brought to You By Crisco. This is the best time of year for personal growth. And by growth, I obviously mean engorgement.

So from now until Month of Regret I have 31 days to break the big 200! (Yes, January has been purchased by the very CONCEPT of regret, which I'm pretty sure is a subsidiary of Taco Bell.) Anyway, I know I can count on all of you for support and food donations and invitations to get ice cream 5 times a day. Thanks!

[Oh and before you get your pretentious bile all over my new Slytherin tie, I stole the subsidized calendar bit from Infinite Jest, which no, I have not read all the way through.]

Blorgh!

I'm so glad I got two hits to my blog yesterday from people searching for "xtube super fat belly boy" because that pretty much sums me up completely these days. I've decided to up my work-out commitment because gay marriage is no good to me if I look like a cow in all my pictures. Ok new topic.

Artist's rendering

So a couple things. First of all, I'm watching Krull, some 80's fantasy/sci fi movie starring Ken Marshall and I have no idea what's going on in it because I'm not paying any attention WOW but I just looked at the screen and Liam Neeson is in it for some reason.

Anyway I mostly like it because the female lead had bad teeth and Ken Marshall looks kind of like a rugged Errol Flynn.

Oh look an alien.

Also I realized I don't think I've shared any pictures of The Architect which is mostly because he told me he's not photogenic and then proved it. .... wait maybe I have shared a picture OMG I DID I just remembered the fire-breathing one. Anyway here's another:

Alright I'm falling asleep. I don't think I'm going to make it through the end of this movie. Oh speaking of giving up in the middle of 80's movies, The Architect and I watched half of The Blue Lagoon last night and after all of Brooke Shields' lines, I'd hear in my head Fake Brenda Dickson saying "That was acting. Thank you."

Moo and Oink

Yesterday I performed an experiment in excess. I chose a sin (one of the seven) and embodied it to the fullest extent imaginable. The sin: Sloth. The embodiment: Bloblike.

I woke up at 9:30 with a splitting headache that I pretty much owe to David Bowie. After an hour of laying in bed pretending the world didn't exist (an art I perfected on Saturday when I spent about six waking hours cuddled up in a bed), I got up and walked a full 9 steps to my couch, dragging my comforter behind me like that Peanuts kid who always drags his filthy blanket around.

When I finally arrived huffing and puffing to the internet couch, I looked at my little Google calendar and saw NOTHING! This was me:

Thanks, nataliedee.com!

So I indulged in my favorite pasttime ever: playing the Sims and watching Charmed for 12 straight hours. It's really exhausting and a great workout. You can tell because at 10:30 that night I was exhausted and went to bed and today I woke up totally sore in my right leg and along my right oblique from all the work I had to do grabbing the remote to skip the title sequences. What with selecting episodes and occasionally switching discs, I may have burned as many as 20 calories! Eat your heart out, South Beach Diet!

Speaking of calories, clearly I could not prepare food on a day such as this so I ordered in an omelette with ham on the side in the morning and a huge bowl of chicken curry with rice in the evening and I ate everything on the couch and got rice all over me. This was me:

Thanks again, nataliedee.com!

In conclusion, my couch has a butt dent the size of Alaska and pretty soon I'll be washing myself with a rag on a stick.