Top 5 Reasons I Am Fed Up with Men

5. Ben didn't call me back.

The bastard.

4. I can't seem to get a blind date.

And by blind, I mean literally. There's nothing hotter to me than seeing a guy wave that stick thing around. Blind boyfriends come with advantages beyond the luxury of not having to look good every day. For one, they can't check out other guys unless you describe them first. Further, if you catch them flirting with someone, you can just say "Don't be fooled, he's looks like Lily Tomlin" and that's the end of it. And most importantly, you can sneak out of the house unnoticed, and by the time they realize it, you'll be halfway to whatever illicit activity suits your fancy. Just make sure to take the stick thing with you so they can't follow. I think it doubles as a dowsing rod for treachery.

The only drawbacks to a blind boyfriend are that they break everything and they can't tell what you're feeling without touching your face. I can live with that. If there are any blind boys reading my blog... I mean listening to it on JAWS (dun dahn dun dahn dun dahn), get a friend to click the comments link and hit me up. I'm a single non-smoker. I'm also a man, incidentally, but that shouldn't matter either way. If you're heterosexual, I can speak in a high-pitched voice and whine about my feelings a lot, and you won't know the difference.

3. I'm having a Penis Ugly Week.

I go through these phases now and then where I think penises are ugly and sex is gross. They never last long, but they're pretty intense. I usually try to get over it by looking at my "favorite" videos on xTube, but when I tried that this morning all I could think was: "Oh, sick! I can't believe I used to DO that." A few days without touching myself and it will pass. They're usually followed by heavily slutty phases, so get ready.

2. The only relationship-oriented men are the boring and the ugly.

Every unappealing man I meet wants a boyfriend. Every charismatic, attractive man I meet wants to screw and have fun. Nobody can explain this to me. Having felt intensely relationship-oriented this past month or so, I can only imagine I've become boring. Because I'm still hot.

There are exceptions to every rule, so don't get offended if you're relationship-oriented. If we're friends, your attractive, ok? I'm too shallow for anything else.

1. I don't have one.

Surprise! Believe it or not, this entire post comes from a place of loneliness and self-loathing! Waah waah waah, where's MY validation? Oh, that's right, my validation didn't call me back. (See above.) If you need me, I'll be cursing men, renouncing love, and spending the rest of my life alone like those women you read about.

Yeah, it's called "being empowered." Look it up.