"You smell like a baby prostitute."

We went to play at the men's cologne counter at Lord and Taylor during our morning break, and now you can't come within 50 feet of me without your sinuses melting.

First I tried the Diesel fragrance, but it was too effeminate and faded into "Bath and Body Works Vanilla." Since I'm not a 14-year-old girl or Rainbow Brite, I couldn't possibly go all day smelling of that cloying sweetness. Not wanting to make the same mistake twice, I sprayed some Dolce & Gabbana Light Blue on a card. It reeked. I decided to put Kenneth Cole RSVP, which my coworker was buying for her husband, over the vanilla because that stuff's pretty nice. Now I smell like a man again. Sadly, it's a man who just had sex with a 14-year-old girl or Rainbow Brite.

But that's just my left side. On my right, I put on Kenneth Cole Reaction because we wanted to smell the fragrance on something that wasn't a piece of paper. It would have been fine, but then this Armenian man (I'm calling him Armenian to avoid calling him "foreigner" but really I have no idea what kind of infidel he was).... where was I? Oh, right, this man came and was talking on his cell phone and probably hadn't showered today because he picked up a sample bottle of something light blue and sprayed a noxious effluvium that made Chernobyl seem like a hamster fart. Naturally, half of it got all over me, so now I smell like 4 kinds of men's cologne and my throat is closing up.

I feel pretty.