Chris, whose blog I stalk, mentioned that horrible deaths happen in threes.
Brad "Huck" Renfro, teen dreamboat who, when I was 13 or so, made more than just my heart throb, and Heath Ledger, who didn't need to star in a movie for me to imagine him screwing Jake Gyllenhaal, both died needlessly this month. Chris asks "who's next?" but my question is more specific: Which masturbatory fantasy is next to be rendered flaccid with images of decomposing, drug-wasted faces and guilt pangs about disrespecting the dead?
I'm running out of ammo here! ... wait wow no, let me rephrase that. I'm running out of fodder here!
Listen up, God! I've decided to believe in you for a few minutes so I can something off my chest. You didn't make up ALL the rules, and you seem to have forgotten some. For one, the young and the pretty do not die suddenly of drug overdoses. If that's gonna happen, it has to happen slowly like with Britney Spears, Lindsay Lohan, and Amy Winehouse. We want slow decay and a media circus long enough so that we're no longer attracted to the victim and are happy to be able to talk about something else. Thanks. Ok, go back to what You were doing; I'm gonna forget about You again.
Anyway, it is with a heavy heart that I announce my candidates for the next Hot Celebrity Drug Overdose:
Ryan Gosling -- I admit he looked a little better when he was younger, but he's still pretty, he's a good actor, and his "Young Hercules" was sort of a bridge between Renfro in my youth and Ledger in my young adulthood, not to mention that the show is in the same box as Ledger's "Roar." If you haven't seen Young Hercules, then... well that's really ok. Anyway, for me he has too much in common with the two who already ate it. HIGH RISK
Johnny Depp -- It would be SO LIKE this asshole world to take my man from me. He's too talented, too hot, and too smart. SUPER HIGH RISK
Eric Bana -- Eric is my current Sexiest Man Alive, and thanks to a new friend, I have an entire folder of pictures of him on my desktop. For the record, I prefer him "with beard" but when he shaves it, I'm ok with that too because my love transcends the physical. If he died, I'd kill myself, and that's probably why he's HIGHEST RISK
So say goodbye. There's another week and a day left until the end of January, which I've decided is the cutoff. I want to be proven wrong.
