American False Idol

Now is the time when I post a bunch of pop songs with the lyrics changed so they become Christian songs. Because nothing says "I love God" like internet videos with no production value.

The wedding ring/purity ring thing isn't terribly inventive, so there are a ton of them to this song. I chose this one because I like the girl's womb chair.

The next girl shows her faith by changing the words to one of her favorite songs about bicuriosity:

God made the world, and he liked it. Yeah. But then he gave us free will, and all we've done since is fuck it up and have gay sex all over the place. Way to go, human race.

This one I legitimately like:

Isn't that soothing? It makes me want to smoke a joint and talk God with him and then maybe run my fingers through his hair. I don't like the part where he points at me, though. Back off, man, just enjoy the groove what kind of conditioner do you use?

Here's my personal favorite: Holyback. It has satans in it.

I'm really glad he set it to shitty home videos from his vacation: videos full of timber.... and a lake. Oh, I see what you did there! I also see that sin, and.... and I'm craving it! THANK GOODNESS YOU GOT HERE IN TIME!

Strangely, it makes me want to get my holy on. Holy on. Holy holy holy. Y'know how some words lose their meaning meaning when you say them too many times? Holy. Holy! HOLY! And Hosanna in the highest.

This post in inspired by a facebook post by my dear friend JC.

UPDATE: I have a new favorite Christian now and no it's not you it's this guy:

Anyway, you guys should totally make your own Christian music videos, and I'll link to them in my illustrious blog, but none of you will because you can hardly be bothered to take 2 seconds and leave a comment. "Wow, bitter much?" Yes, every day.

Macho Macho Man

Ok new rule NO CREEPY RELIGIOSITY ON THE SUBWAY!

So there was this woman across the subway from me reading and looking up at me now and then so I'm thinking "She thinks I'm cute or she thinks I'm a threat." Turns out it was none of the above because when the doors opened behind me and she was passing me to leave, I found out the book she was reading was the Bible because she closed it, looked at me meaningfully and touched the spine to my shoulder as if in blessing, warning, or condemnation. I'm like "Hello I didn't even open my mouth am I THAT FUCKING GAY!?!"

This isn't even the first time, once at the beginning of the summer I was walking to work and this cute Korean woman ran after me and got my attention. She was holding something out I figured I had dropped (why else would she CHASE me) but it was actually one of those Chick pamphlets all about Sodom and Gomorrah and the sin of homosexuality complete with drawings of tattooed, pierced, child-raping men all trussed up with perfect eyebrows. Even Jesus knows gay men have better eyebrows.

So ok I may not be the most manly man in all of Christendom, but I don't think I exude deviancy. I mean there are MUCH CREEPIER men in the world who are ALSO ugly and unclean and harass people and touch them, which is a much greater affront to the Lord. Whatever.

Here read this story. I can't decide whether crazy x-tians actually think vampires are real. Vote yes or no.

Fundie Quotes

I found a site with quotes from some of the more idiotic fundamentalist Christians talking on Internet forums. These are hilarious. But mostly creepy

Here's my favorite from the first bunch:

"I am a bit troubled. I believe my son has a girlfriend, because she left a dirty magazine with men in it under his bed. My son is only 16 and I really don't think he's ready to date yet. What's worse is that he's sneaking some girl to his room behind my back. I need help, God! I want my son to stop being so secretive!"

Fundie Quotes