Open Letters

Dear Sirs and Madams:

It would appear we have an issue that must be dealt with. Please scroll down to find your personalized letter and take the necessary steps to respond. Your haste is appreciated, though waste will not be tolerated.

Hope you are well,
~2H~

Letter #1

Dear Subway:

It came to my attention last night that you may or may not have altered the recipe for your tuna. By my calculations, the tuna I had last night tasted largely the same as usual but with about 20% more deliciousness added. What is your secret? Have you done the same at all 30,000+ of your international locations? Do they eat tuna in India? Please respond and I would also like a free t-shirt.

Keep eating fresh,
~2H~

Letter #2

Dear Old People:

Would you please stop OH WAIT I forgot you can't use the internet ok nevermind.

Letter #3

Dear Chickens of the World:

How many of you are there!? OMG think about it, like how many chickens get eaten each day? There are millions of restaurants, and all of them need SO MANY CHICKENS like EVERYDAY! WHERE DO THEY KEEP YOU ALL!?! What is it like? Do you have to have lots of babies all the time? How many of you share a studio? Do you save on rent?

Curiously,
~2H~

Letter #4

Dear Cows of the World:

Same goes for you except you're even bigger!

Mooo,
~2H~

Oh my God, why are 75% of my letters about or addressed to foods?

Poll: McDonald's today yes or no?

Open Letter to an Artistic Failure

Dear Hack Composer Who Can't Get Published:

PLEASE stop sending your music to my library. I'm so serious.

I spent the better part of my morning cataloging this binder filled with your outlandishly stupid songs that's been sitting in a box for 7 years. It came with a Christmas CD that I understand you've sent as a gift to numerous politicians including the President, the governor of New York, and the mayor of Los Angeles, though I don't quite get why you had to send 25 copies of form letters these politicians' secretaries sent you as thank yous for you "generous gift" which they're "sure will bring much holiday cheer". I see the Clintons sent you a nice card wishing you a Happy Holidays and thanking you for your "correspondence", though it is odd they made no mention of the CD. Perhaps they were waiting to review you in the New Yorker.

But probably not.

A word of advice to you and the countless other unpublished composers who send their music as "gifts": 1) Find a new way to disseminate your music, and 2) Don't send copies that you made yourself on Finale if you don't know how to make it so that all the lyrics and notes don't run together. (For the non-musicians out there, it's the equivalent of being done in crayon on notebook paper with the finges still attached.)

The only thing more striking than the mediocrity of your songs (that consist of non-modulating melodies and 3 chords) is your dubious command of the English language. I know ESL classes are expensive, but if you are going to write songs in English, understand that we prefer not to have three syllables on one note. Also, "candy" is not a synonym for "sweet" so describing a canary as "so candy" implies that it is edible, not charming.

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Career,
~TH~

P.S. I mean it.