Stats

Infinity months ago I stopped looking at my blog stats because I forgot about them, and I eventually just cancelled the service I used to aggregate them, but I was just clicking around on the Blogger site and noticed that it's been keeping them for me all this time! And I forgot how fun they are!

So I average around 80 page views a day, indicating a 0% rate of growth from 3 years ago! Hooray! Furthermore, most of my "referring URLs" are Virus- or Sex-filtered by the library, meaning I have some wonderful sponsors.

But the most important stats to keep track are the top 10 searches people do that lead them to my shitty blog. It would seem people are less perverted than they used to be because for the first time, it's not all about porn and penises (though it is a little bit.)

1. spring awakening sucks
2. kyle schmid
3. jennifer hudson fat pictures
4. seth mctigue
5. florida stereotypes
6. celebrity hard ons
7. ��������� ����������
8. celebrity hardon
9. nancy drew the movie
10. a girl who talks with her barbie heads

I love those question marks in diamonds, I love that people agree with my views on Spring Awakening (now my most commented-on post), I love that people are specific about what type of Jennifer Hudson they wish to see, and lastly, I love that "a girl who talks with her barbie heads" has led people to me 4 times. (I'm pretty sure they were looking for that movie Tideland.)

So anyway, I blog best when I am obsessed with talking about my blog.

How to Have a Not Shitty Blog

I'm the authority on having a not shitty blog because I have a shitty blog and know just how it's done. Rules:

1. Nobody gives a shit what you ate for breakfast or what song you're listening to or any of that livejournal crap. Unless you saw Mary in your cornflakes or built a really cool Cheerios empire WITH PICS save it for the old folks home.
2. Do you use your blog to complain about the same problems that you can't fix because you're emotionally inept? The internet is not your shrink or your diary or your mom.
3. Don't post porn. It's 2008 and unless we are 12, we already know where to go to see all the free porn that we want so don't post pictures of your stolen porn because you probably only like boring stuff like half the porn-posters do. If you have a porn blog you get a pass.
4. Don't post artistic porn EVER EVER. First of all, going on about how pornography is art and the beauty of the human body isn't original and it doesn't make you edgy like your overexposed myspace pictures of your eye do. Most of it sucks, and we don't want to see lame colorized shots of shaved plastic statues staring into middle distance like they got punched between the eyes.
5. Are you posting about how good your haircut looks? No it doesn't.
6. Don't write about politics if you're an idiot.
7. Kev says: Don't talk about your boyfriend, nobody loves him but you.
8. If you MUST talk about your boyfriend, don't refer to him as your "sweet cookie face" or I will come to your house when you are sleeping and barf on your pillow and eat live scorpions beforehand.
9. Are you writing something only your friends will understand? Do only your friends read your blog? Do you spend all your time making awards in MS Paint and cycling them around the same 10 people? You don't need to blog, you need to go to the mall.
10. Do you link to me? Good, that makes you have a good blog.
11. Are you posting over and over about the tricks you bring home and how you keep in touch but OOH FEELINGS and it's SO DEEP and now you don't talk anymore and the same thing cycles every weekend? That's SO interesting, but next time, try sleeping with someone with more than three chest hairs and remember not to blog about it.
12. Do you use your blog to snark back at people who leave you bad YouTube comments on your crappy videos? Good, keep it up, you are funny.
13. If your blog is very sad, remember to make it red and black and have lots of pictures of fairies with torn wings.
14. If what you're posting has been posted on a gazillion other blogs already post it anyway but don't act like you're original and made up the ideas yourself.
15. Kev also says: Oh add pictures to all your entries and don't use too many words because no one likes to read. [I don't follow this rule but I have a shitty blog so it's ok.]
16. Last, if all you can think of to do is post camera phone pictures of yourself and your sunglasses and hats collection, don't think we're impressed by your style and you look like a bug.

If reading these rules made you out of ideas for what to write, you have a shitty blog and you can be in the club. I'm president.