Look at that last post! That's another thing that happens to me when I get stressed: I write like a testicle.
Out the window go my wit, my nuance... even my comma splices lack their usual beguiling charm. It's all BLAH words BLAH awkward BLAH what? Ugh, I'm a failure.
When something big and daunting comes up that I have to do, I totally shut down. Let's take the example of applying for a job. Finding a new job is big and scary and really really hard, and it takes a lot of time. Therefore, when it needs to be done, I have trouble doing it.
Ok, that's not too profound, I mean everyone puts stuff off when it's difficult, it's just the way we are. But what I'm experiencing right now goes way beyond procrastination. Having something like this job search do present in my mind pushes everything else away. My creative energy is sapped, I don't want to go out or be social. I don't even want to blog or e-mail or return phone calls. My life becomes very small, and if I'm not careful, all I will do is sit around and watch TV or read a book.
Saturday I had a brunch committment that I would've skipped if I hadn't promised to go. Then, I came home and read a book. An entire novel. Because I couldn't motivate myself to do anything else under the looming stress of the job hunt. I slept for a couple hours in there too. It wasn't until Brian called and said "You can't sit alone by yourself all Saturday night" and called me out for making lame excuses that I finally consented to go out.
It bothers me that whenever one thing in my life gets stressful, everything else shuts down. Just because I have one responsiblity to accomplish doesn't mean I should stop dating, creating, and having fun, but that's exactly what happens.
I have to fight it all day, and I'm not even job hunting very hard. Imagine what it'll be like when I finally get my butt in gear and start applying places. That's the most destructive thought of all, and it's not even true. But even though I know it won't really get worse, I can't believe it.
After work today, I'm going to do laundry because I have to wash my towels. But I know in the back of my mind that the laundry is just another diversionary tactic. I'm doing laundry because I "can't put it off any longer." The only things I do in these mindsets are Necessary Things and Escape Things because anything else will make me think "I shouldn't be doing this, I should be applying for jobs."
Necessary Things are things like doing the laundry and buying cat food, during which I'll think "I know I should be applying for jobs, but this is important so it's ok" even if I'm fooling myself like I will be this afternoon. My towels are fine.
Escape Things are reading and watching movies, during which I can think "............."
I'm not just writing this blog entry to whine about my frame of mind. I'm writing it to force myself not to abandon everything just because I have stress. I procrastinate, I get down on myself for procrastinating, I get depressed, and that makes me procrastinate more. What's the answer when "Just shut up and do it" doesn't work?
I have a friend looking for a job. Maybe I'll have him come over and we can have a Craigslist party where we won't let each other do anything except search and apply. But we'll probably end up just seeing the Nancy Drew movie again.
When I'm stressed and feeling crappy, I take very little pleasure in things. First to go is my sex drive followed by my desire to do quiet things I usually enjoy like write in my blog and read. What I prefer is loud, mindless things like movies and dancing. I tend to surround myself with people, but in a strangely artificial way in which I'm with them but not really there. Also, my shoulders get real tense so that even my nifty back massager machine isn't enough, but I can't ask anybody I know for a massage because it's weirdly sexual and, as you know, my sex drive if by then diminished so I don't want the pressure. (I don't know any girls.)
This weekend I saw The Ex in the theatres as well as The Incredibles, The Adventures of Buckaroo Bonzai in the 8th Dimension, and Grey Gardens through Netflix. And Sunday I spent about 7 billion hours listening to specific tracks in iTunes (loudly) to get good recommendations from my new Last.fm account (be my friend.)
But I'm getting myself out of it, which I have this ability to do. I'm doing good. My shoulders are still tense, but I'm a bunch happier and I finally finished the second half of Peter Pan last night. It's not like I can make problems float away by magic ("it's leviOsa, not leviosA"), but I find that turning my mood around is the best way to start approaching them to fix. Treat the symptoms, not the disease... bad in medicine, best in frustration management.
Anyway I'm back and I'm not going to be whiny anymore and my best coworker and I got a free pineapple from the cafeteria downstairs that they were just gonna throw away because it wasn't ripe yet and the manager is from a Scott Adams comic and would rather throw it out and waste it than wait for 2 days and use it. So we put it in two paper bags and it's hiding in my desk until Pineapple Wednesday when we will cut it up and make the library materials all sticky COME JOIN THE PARTY!!!!!
P.S. My belated review of Spiderman 3 is that it sucks and I'm mad I had to see it two times because I accidentally double-booked myself and couldn't cancel because both people had already booked tickets. It was funnier the second time because I knew it would suck and I acted obnoxious and the girl two seats down from me was all "Kirsten Dunst looks like shit in this scene" and we became best friends.