Another rampantly immature day befalls me as I catalog music by Anton ("One Ton") Titz and books of the photography of Bubi Heilemann. All I need now is more vocal music by Richard Cumming, and the years will just melt away. I know there's a certain age when we're supposed to get over such stupid, juvenile, peverted humor, but apparently that age is not 23. Then again, I'm also not laughing or really finding it funny.... just noticing. Does that mean I'm humorless?
Is that why I don't have any friends? Right, so despite what I may have said in the past, I don't really have any friends out here yet. Whatever, I'm not really worried about it. Plus, things are looking up because a guy I didn't know in high school called me out of the blue, and we're going to a Gay Jew Party on Thursday. Hopefully I won't get asked out by a guy with a name from a fantasy novel and a guy who is entirely too obsessed with Sylvia Plath like I did at the last gay function I attended. Though I plan to wear the same outfit because I looked super cute. I hope eating an entire meat lovers pizza in one sitting last night doesn't have an effect on that.
Making friends is harder than it looks on TV. I thought my life would be just like that show... what's it called... I dunno, something like "Hot 20-somethings in New York Who Are All Friends and Date a Lot and Have These Awesome Apartments Even Though They're Just a Waitress". But instead, it's more like the show "I Guess I'll Do My Laundry Tonight and Maybe Rent a Movie Again."
Nah, I'm kidding, I go out. I've met lots of people, I just don't stay in contact with them. It might be a pickiness issue, but it might be also because I'm humorless and boring now that I'm a real librarian with bills to pay. I need a haircut. Maybe if I get a haircut and look prettier, I'll have more friends. Last time I got a haircut.... oh right, I was dumped. But I also slept with this really really beautiful and charming man afterwards (not like right after, I'm not that pathetic, it was a few days). He looked like a rockstar. I'd give him a call, but he was kind of a weird kisser and he bit my ass, which was jarring and strange if not entirely unpleasant.
Maybe it's a pickiness issue after all. Whatever, who needs friends NOT ME! I like being alone with my cat watching Charmed and eating ice cream every night. Whine bitch complain, why don't people like me?????/ omgwtf avral sucks at least my blog reeders wil alwayz b my friends 4-eva! i <3 u guyz!!!1!
Don't you like the way I transitioned from people with boob names into not having friends into talking like a r3t4rd? Seamless! I'm such a genius writer. I think I'll write a poem about that and about how you should read my blog every day even when I don't write in it.
Untitled
I am such an awesome writer
I spin webs better than a spider.
I know all of these great words
That you don't know because you are nerds.
But I don't use them so you don't feel dumb
And then go home and drown your sorrows with rum.
You may think I write really crappy
But at least I don't go on about my stupid, sappy
Feelings unless I'm being ironic.
Those lame-ass blogs make me want a colonic.
I have so many important things to say.
You should read my blog every day.
My blog is green, pink, yellow, and blue.
And it tastes just like beef and vegetable stew.
If you do not read all of my blog now,
I will stampede you with a flock of cows.
No, of course I did not read your sucky blog today.
I am too busy for something so gay.
L'envoi
Read my blog, it is the very best.
It will put lots of hair on your chest
Kinda like tabasco sauce.
You will look like Who's the Boss.
So don't shave it.
I'm your favorite.
I am fun.
Git 'er done.
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