等我搞破壞!, or, I wish I could but I just Cantonese

Yesterday evening, I took my second trip to Chinatown since I moved here (my first being a date back in April or May). Oh, and I caught a bus there once. I never go because I have no business there, but as it happens, I know some Chinese people. Well, one. And yesterday, the one and I met some of his friends at a new karaoke bar that opened up.

Don't ask me what it's called, there was no sign. To enter, you had to walk down this creepy staircase that looked like it led to the lair of some psycho killer. Y'know, dirty concrete stairs. It was like a dark alleyway except tucked snuggly underground so nobody can hear you scream.

The place itself was well-lit and kinda trendy-looking, though, so whatever. I remain un-axe-murdered to blog another day.

It was one of those Asian-style places like in Lost in Translation, so we got a private room with a karaoke machine and unlimited drinks. Really a great deal, though everyone insisted it was better at another place they know. But for $23, I got a milkshake, 2 beers, a healthy-sized snack and 4 hours of entertainment, so I ain't mad.

I was the only loser singing songs in English. Songs, I might add, that were horribly cataloged, most with no artist data. And they were organized first by number of words in the title and then alphabetically. Very bizarre, I dunno if it's some Chinese thing. All the controls were in Chinese, too, so I needed extra-special help using the little remote control--help that I got from everyone else in the room who could read what it said. I felt like a 90 year-old at a technology convention trying to set the clock on my VCR.

So the 5 people I was with were all singing songs only they knew in a language I couldn't possibly begin to approach. I learned the sounds of a couple characters, notably a pretty one that looked like an L with three marks around it. (It sounded like "sa", looked like the Japanese for "fu", and often came at the end of a line. Anyone?)

So here's my advice: If you ever go to Hong Kong, bring your own iPod. You have never experienced 4 straight hours of Cantonese power ballads. Yes, every song that was played (except for my country and 80's favorites) was a power ballad. I think it's their only genre or something. It was like the early 90's on Mars. But the videos were pretty cool, so don't get me wrong, I was highly entertained and got to make up my own meanings for what the songs were about. One was about a princess who followed her demon teddy bear into a mystical wonderland. Another was about gay mechanics and the women who love them. Yet another was about a little Inuit girl whose entire tribe was eaten by polar bears, so all she could do was sit in her igloo and cry. One was Cirque du Soleil on acid, and another was Cirque du Soleil on anti-depressants. Each song was a dream, and each dream was an adventure.

I felt real self-conscious being the only person singing in English, so one of the first songs I picked was The Ketchup Song, a personal favorite of mine. I picked it because it has Spanish in it, and I felt like I was getting revenge. Nobody cared. Anyway, then I got over it because the girl next to me said she liked my voice. I also sang: Friends in Low Places, Total Eclipse of the Heart, Earl Had to Die, All My Exes Live in Texas, Under the Sea, Colors of the Wind (my personal tribute to the Cantonese power ballad), Strawberry Wine, and Leavin' on a Jet Plane, and I was awesome and won a Grammy.

I had a great time, but I think I'm gonna stick to the American style of karaoke, the way it was meant to be... where I can stand on a stage and have everyone look at me for reasons that do not involve my being a minority.