Yesterday I was sitting at home at 8:45, and I realized I hadn't been to the gym since Jesus died (I let myself go in my grief) and I'm not sure how it happened, but I just got up, got dressed, and went to work out.
I was especially excited on the way over because I figured since it was 9:00, the place would be pretty empty. So la ti, I got there and the C/V area was actually kinda busy, but I worried not because it's always like that, even at 6:00 a.m. when there's nobody on any other floor. I found a machine because I like to run for about 5 minutes on a treadmill just to warm up before I lift, but there happened to be this REALLY beautiful and built man on my personal TV, so I used him as motivation and ended up running until 9:30 when the show ended. It was pretty cool. He was blonde and wearing a blue shirt and was in a gorgeous house, so if any of you know what show that is, please TiVo it for me next time it's on.
Right. So after my extended warm-up, it was time to head upstairs to hit the weights. Ok, there are two weight rooms. Maybe three, really. One is for girls. The other is for girls. I would love to work out in one of those, but neither have free weights heavy enough. So I have to work out with the boys, and at 6:00 in the morning when I've been there in the past, there are only a couple boys, and it's been cool. Last night, I was excited for there to be ZERO boys because it was so late at night, but there were THOUSANDS of them!
They were all over! Sitting on every bench, lifting every weight, hanging from things! It was like nothing I had ever seen before except this one really outrageous orgy scene on the internet once. And even in that, they were all skinny Bel Ami men. These were Falcon men. They were Titan men. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if a couple of them actually battled Hercules.
This is one of those reasons I hate being gay. Do you know what it's like for something to be so intimidating, yet so arousing? People in there actually saw me come in because I stood out so bad. I had to leave, I was way to embarassed to work out. There was one guy against the wall doing HANDSTAND PUSH-UPS! You can't expect me to push my ego aside when there's that kind of Cirque du Soleil bullshit going on!
On the way home, I decided exactly who I was going to talk to and say "You need to make fun of me, I just chickened out at the gym." Luckily, he was online. He came through, called me a "puss." I chose him because I knew he'd use that word or something like it.
Anyway, so I went to bed and set my alarm for extra early because I'm going to try something new. I didn't feel like going to the gym super-early today, so I came to work at 7:00, which is the earliest I've ever been here. This means I can leave at 3, and I'm going to see if the gym isn't less crowded then. Because honest to Pete, I don't think I can handle another overwhelming experience like last night. All I need is a month or two of near-solitary weight lifting. Once I can lift an amount befitting a... what's the word.... male, I'll be totally at ease among the other... males.
I don't know what my problem is, but none of you are allowed to say anything to me because you're all the same way.