The Breasts of Mortal Kombat

Dudes, I'm gonna tell you right now this one is about video games. You have been warned.

Anyway, has anyone played the new Mortal Kombat yet? I got it earlier this week because my Rybrarian friend made me buy it

I've never been the fighting game type, but turns out I can kick some ass. So far, I am nigh unstoppable as Sonya "Pink Ranger" Blade and Queen "I Whip My Hair Back and Forth" Sindel. (I generally play as women.)

But I love it. It handles well, it's attractive and detailed, and even I -- a MK neophyte -- identify with the nostalgia dripping from the story mode.

That's not what this post is about, though. This post is about the one major objection I have to the new Mortal Kombat: the boobs.

Now, I'm not here to talk about the gargantuan proportions. This is video games, and the topic has been done to death. I'm just happy that at least one plastic surgeon found a market in the demonic Outworld. Those ladies need false self-confidence too. (Speaking of Outworld beauty, razor-toothed half-demon-thing Mileena has an adorable do. That stylist must have some big, brass testes. I'm thinking Tabatha Coffey.)

I'm also not going to complain about the practical issues of a giant-chested woman moving, jumping, and punching with narry a nip slip. No, the problem I have with those boobs is that they're all exactly the same... and they don't move!

First off, if you're designing women after adolescent boy sex fantasies, that's fine. To be honest, I actually like the aesthetic even though my preferred MK bedfellow is a coked out Johnny Cage. But you can't alienate all your small boob lovers out there (and I know you're out there.) I would love to have seen just one nymph-like physique in the cast. I vote Jade, I guess. Or, hey, what about an unlockable? There's Cyber Sub Zero, so why not Reduction Kitana?

And then there's the rigidness. I mean, ok, the concept of jiggle physics is a joke at this point, but if you're going to design a desert arena where the shuffling of the fighters actually affects the sand at their feet, you might as well have a little movement in the chest region. I guarantee you not one of those outfits has any built in support, yet the breasts are like rocks. When one of those women is knocked to the floor after being beaten to death with her own tibias, the globes on her chest being at full attention is just... disturbing.

Where's the sex appeal in that?

Publicity

Friends, I went to a great bar last night in Bleecker St. that you need to go see. It's called Peculier Pub, and I've been meaning to check it out for 5 years since a friend in grad school told me about it before I even moved here. Anyway, they've got like 300 varieties of beer from all over the world, each served in a bottle accompanied by the appropriate-shaped glass for pouring.

I was with this guy Christian from Germany, where (obviously) European beers are more readily obtained, so he introduced me to his two favorite Czech brews. And I had.... some other things. I don't really remember, but the experience was excellent and totally inexpensive. Plus the place has some kill beer cap mosaics on the wall. I took 3 crappy pictures so here they are:

That's a bumper sticker on the cash register. I have the t-shirt of that at home! It's pajamas.

This was an accident, my camera was acting up. But I like it.

This sign is in the bathroom. It starts out alright, but.... then it deteriorates. I'm not sure what happened there.

Anyway, I invite you all to come back with me. I think I'll plan a beer party soon.

The New Class

If you know me, you know I love conceiving of big, fun projects and then failing to follow through on them. Well I've started working on the latest! I'm thinking of writing a shitty little comic strip to scan and put on the internet... y'know, for my friends! So I started doodling up some shitty little concept drawings for potential shitty little characters, and I want to show them to you, the readers of my shitty little blog. It only seems appropriate.

Before we begin, the medium is "ink on Post-It", and my iPhone made my desk look all pink. I don't know why it insists on that. My entire office is pale gray straight from your favorite oddball comedy about a boring workplace full of CRAZY characters such as The Office, which I have still never seen and have no interest in especially now that Will Farrell's in it. Anyone notice how deformed he's looking these days?

Meredith. Eternal awkward stage. Learning to use make-up.

Ooya. Tenure track --> Stalked a gender studies student --> Community college.

BatCat. Poops like a bat, pees like a cat. Adorable sneezes.

Bieberstein. Died and became a reanimated corpse. Nobody noticed.

And that's all she wrote! So far. I'm not good at drawing bodies or faces, so it's possible BatCat will be the only survivor. My artistic skills are very limiting. I wanted to have a character that was a woman who was taller than all the other characters like in Peanuts so you only saw her middle and legs, but the character would actually be an alien baby that bursts from her stomach and quotes Shakespeare or something, but it was too hard to draw so you get fucking BatCat instead.

Sexy Jeopardy Dudes #2

Last night I watched one of my backlogged episodes of Jeopardy, right, and there are TWO reasons why it was the best backlogged episode of Jeopardy ever. #1 is Dude #2:

That's Matt or Mike or something. I dunno. He was on the show back at the beginning of March. He won two episodes. At the beginning of this, his third, Alex Trebek made a comment about how little money he won despite having two victories.

For those of you who are not fans of the show: Alex Trebek is a huge dick. Lamenting his utter lack of charisma and a sense of humor, Trebek resorts to shooting passive-aggressive barbs while on screen and plain old aggressive ones behind the scenes. Don't ever be on Jeopardy if you have cried any time in the past 15 years.

Anyway Mike or Matt is hot, and I don't feel like I have to justify myself. He has a sort of weird, gross way of moving his lips when he talks, and he mumbles. So... I guess I like those things in a man.

And the second reason this Jeopardy is one of the best ever:

"Harley" and "Quinn". Could there be an Animated Series fan in the crew of Jeopardy? (P.S. Quinn ended up winning.)

The Internet is Creepy

I took this screengrab a few minutes ago. This search at first yielded nothing. One second after I published that blog entry and posted the link on Facebook, it turned up as the first result as shared by my Twitter, which showed up because my GMail contact follows my Twitter feed. It is SO creepy.

How did Twitter even know about my blog update? I never told Twitter. Twitter has spies.

Nobody is safe.

C3D

So... these guys exist:

In real life...

In the 21st century...

What do you think of that?

Their.... their music's not that bad, actually.

Strangely, the Internet has no record of them ever existing. They are Club 3D: the Latin boy band that SEO forgot.

Amenities

Look.

Yeah, that's for days now. I don't know if you can see, but on the second row from the bottom, the item on the left is Chuckles. Not surprisingly, those disgusting little Whatever-the-Fucks go all the way back.

(n.b. If you look to the upper left, you can see the reflection of my awesome new t-shirt and be accordingly jealous.)

The drinks machine doesn't look so dire until you consider that the green things are Mountain Dew and the whole row of water at the bottom is stupid because we have water coolers in every room here. Before I took this picture, there was a little note someone had taped to the machine saying "To: Delivery Man -- More Mountain Dew Code Red, please!" I took that off and threw it away. This machine is already half Mountain Dew on the best of days, and we don't need that abominable Code Red taking up any more space. More seltzer please! We never get seltzer anymore.

And lastly...

Awesome.

My Killer Week (Digest)

Hi guys. I haven't been in the mood to blog this week, which sucks overly because I have SO MANY things to tell you.

Most importantly, last Wednesday I went to a free screening of this new film, Super at IFC aaaaand it was absolutely fantastic. Best movie I've seen in a while. So you all have to go. Also, Liv Tyler was there, right, and she totally sat super close to me, and before the movie started she whispered something to her friend and I was like "Arwen!?!" (because remember who in Lord of the Rings she whispered her entire role?) Anyway Super is brilliantly-written and incredibly creative and not at all a Kick Ass knockoff. Go see it. I noticed it was playing at Sunshine Cinemas on the Lower East Side when I walked by Friday, but hopefully you can find it somewhere less bufu. But in all seriousness, it's worth seeing if you're not a total snob about superhero stuff (or slightly religious-themed stuff).

Oh and BEFORE the movie, I was decided to kill an hour at this random coffee shop I found near the theater and who should be working there but the ORIGINAL SEXY LATTE BOY from Joe: The Art of Coffee in Grand Central whom I was obsessed with 3 years ago! He didn't remember me when I creepily asked him if he "ever worked at a different coffee shop". He totally knew that meant "I know who you are, but you don't know who I am." Anyway, he looks fantastic. Sexuality = Still ambiguous.

Right, then my mom visited this weekend. I bought a ton of awesome stuff. She met C.C., so that's done. It was a refreshing weekend. You should see my new bag.

So far, all that's happened this week is I bought this:

Well, one of them. It's one of only 20 in the world... though there are more than 20 in that picture. Anyway, I need stuff for a big shelving unit I'm having put in soon, so I've decided I'm going to try and only decorate it with things that have buttholes.

Watch This!

I was going to write something substantial today, possibly about Sucker Punch (not so good), but... well it hasn't happened. I've gotten a ton of work done instead, sorry. So instead, I'm gonna share with you some of the things that have occupied my time in the background in between listening to and learning about the different subgenres of electronica, which was my major occupation on the job today.

WARNING: These get more asinine as you go.

"Chernokids", a sad little animated short (via Ze Frank):

Chernokids (english subtitles) from Les Chernokids on Vimeo.

Totally lame Invisalign rap (via Tosh.0 Blog):

And lastly, in honor of this month being the 20th birthday of Street Fighter II, a scene from the Jackie Chan classic City Hunter. This is a ridiculous yet surprisingly faithful homage.

Yeah, on more than one occasion, I've considered a similar Chun-Li outfit, but it never came to be. I totally have the thighs for it, though.

k bye

Fine, Leave!

One of my coworkers is leaving today. This is upsetting news (that I've known about for 3 weeks) because a) she's really awesome and b) I'm the one who's going to be absorbing most of her work until she is replaced in approximately 1,000 years. We just had her little farewell party in which I was dragged into a ton of pictures. Thanks to technology, I was instantly made aware of how fleshy my face is starting to look in close-range flash photos. So that was... neat.

Anyway, I didn't come here to talk about my fat face for a change. I came here to express my guilt at sneaking out of the party a few minutes early and my further guilt that I am planning to also sneak out of work a few minutes early, all in the name of avoiding saying goodbye.

I hate saying goodbye. That's not uncommon, I guess, but the reason I hate it is not because it's hard, but because it's so easy.

Crap, she's coming.

Ok, that wasn't so bad. Anyway, goodbyes are one of those social conventions I've never been able to wrap my head around and have therefore always awkwardly stumbled my way through. No matter how close (or not close) I am to someone, saying goodbye never feels real to me. Somebody's staying and somebody's going, and you'll both have lives for better or for worse or possibly for exactly the same quality. Either you will stay in contact or you won't, you'll think of each other a lot or you won't... so what's it all about?

Actually, I can answer that. It's about acknowledging the role you've played in each other's lives and expressing mutual sadness that things are ending. But nothing's ending, really. At least not the important part, right?

I guess I feel that if something is coming to an end, the separation happens in the goodbye itself. All the "I'm gonna miss you!" and "Stay in touch!" and "Take care of things while I'm away!" and "I'm gonna miss you most of all!" -- to me -- create this sense of finality that doesn't need to exist. It makes me feel more separate from a person than a simple "Alright. *hugs* See ya!" would. The emotional send-off is a tactic to help your brain make a clean (and therefore easier to handle) break and prepare for oncoming changes, but since I don't feel that somebody leaving is equivalent to something ending, it seems more the cause of a separation than a necessary coping mechanism for same. The strength of stoicism to me indicates an honest belief in the permanence of a relationship despite changes in proximity and circumstance. (And that's not to say I won't miss someone after they're gone.)

But I know that everybody handles and interprets things differently, and that's where my sense of guilt comes from. I don't do the tearful goodbye, though many people genuinely need it. I'd rather say "Good luck to you, talk soon, tweet me!" and be done with it. I know that comes off as cold, but I also refuse to affect emotion for the sake of fulfilling some sort of social code because that never helps anything. Hence: avoidance, which... also never helps anything. Whatever, I'm not perfect.

Ok I'm leaving bye.

Watch This Movie

You guys, Sucker Punch. Am I the only person that cares more about this movie than pretty much everything else Hollywood is doing these days?

I read all about it in this poster. It is about girls with weapons. That's all I know. I'm sure they'll try to fit some sort of theme in there like revolution or empowerment or escaping the bonds of the boy-run media, but I'm ok not knowing about that until the event itself... which is tomorrow, wow, I just realized March is ending.

From left to right: Young Charlize Theron, Young Angelina Jolie, Young Lucy Liu, Young Cameron Diaz, Young Nicole Kidman.

I don't know what it is, but after almost 3 decades of film consumption, fine arts education, and taste refinement, there's still something about hot chicks kicking ass that fills me with boyish glee. I can't even begin to imagine the explosion of involuntary bodily functions that will accompany the release of the first Hunger Games movie.

Alright, I've also been meaning to show you that. That's a tattoo Cor de Leon revealed to me on Valentine's Day. That design is a doodle I put on something I gave to him the first month we were dating. He had it reproduced exactly, including all my little mess-ups (like along the top where the red line extends a little too far.) Anyway, it's the cutest, sweetest, most heart-warming thing anyone has ever done for me. Couldn't you just shit?

Here They Are My Pokémon!

Ok I know it's a very long time coming, but I have some wonderful news. First of all, I have started watching Xena: Warrior Princess once again. I started over from the beginning to revisit all the classic episodes, but this time I plan to proceed through Season 4 to the end. Holy crap, I just hiccuped while drinking cold coffee and it went up my nose. I feel like I'm drowning, it's disgusting, Christ you guys!

My second piece of good news is that it is finally time for you to start hearing all about my Pokémon. So obviously I am playing the new Pokémon (I got the black version), and it turns out that texting my boyfriend every time I catch a new Pokémon and telling him its type and what I named it is not satisfying enough. I need to tell the world.

I'm only a few hours into the game, and I've got maybe 25 little animals. They are all awesome. If you are playing Pokémon yourself, I would like you to not be sad that my animals are way better than yours.

Anyway, at the very beginning of the journey, you have to choose your starting Pokémon from a selection of a grass-type, a water-type, and a fire-type. In the franchise's history, fire-type Pokémon tend to be hardest to come by -- a statistic I have much shame in knowing -- so I chose the fire pig Tepig. See? Here he is:

I named my Tepig Pigglesby because "Mr. Pigglesworth" was too long for the game's 10-character limit. (n.b. 'Tepig' is the thing's breed, not its name -- I don't know why the species are capitalized.) Anyway, Pigglesby looks adorable, but he's actually an A-1 ass-kicker. I love him. Here's a comment about Tepig I left on a blog post before the game came out (yes fine I commented about Pokémon on a blog ok it was ONE TIME!):

I like Tepig for his apparent rejection of the fire-type tropes. The vague orange coloring, piddly yellow flame, and a name that's a pun on 'lukewarm' belie his evolutionary future as a fire-collared, ass-kicking luchador.

Nobody said anything about my comment probably because it encompasses their feelings so perfectly. It's true, too! Pigglesby already became a JV wrestler when he evolved into a Pignite!

That's what he looks like now. Try to restrain yourselves, ladies. Pigglesby's only interested in his career right now.

Ok now you get to meet two Pokémon that haven't left my party (i.e. the ones I use to beat up other Pokémon) because they manage to kick the ass of anything. First is the Timburr, a muscular Pokémon I named T. Dalton after the immortal star of License to Kill and the 1983 television serial Jane Eyre:

You can see the resemblance, I'm sure. The species Timburr is the only Pokémon I can think of that smacks things around with a giant plank of wood. T. Dalton has almost never lost a fight since I caught him in the bushes. The one thing I don't like about T. is that he will eventually evolve into a roided out nightmare ogre, but until that happens, he is my super sexiest team member. This is another one to stay away from, though, ladies. T. Dalton is a notorious racist, and I'm pretty sure he hates women too.

And last, my other favorite Pokémon is my Tympole, a tadpole Pokémon. I named her Topanga because she is adorable and also because in every Pokémon game I have ever played, I've had a Topanga. Here she is:

Whoops! That's not her! Sorry, I have so many files marked "topanga.jpg" on my computer that I got confused.

There we go. Topanga is a water-type Pokémon, so the best thing about her is that even though she's tiny and needs some eyebrow work, she can kick the ass of Pigglesby whenever he starts with his macho backtalk bullshit. She's an easy one to underestimate. For some reason -- even against Pokémon better than her -- Topanga will step up and tear a bitch down.

Despite her oceans of raw power, however, Topanga never forgets her favorite things about being a girl. She loves going to the beach and hanging out with her friends like at the beach and stuff and doing beach karaoke, but her favorite thing ever is wearing bikinis at the beach. Topanga has 10 bikinis. I haven't told her that one day she is going to turn into a creepy frog that no man will ever look at no matter what Disney tells her.

Ok that's enough for today I think. I'm really excited to have lost half my readership by talking nonstop about fucking Pokémon, and I can't wait to alienate even more of you tomorrow!

Gettin' Down on Friday

Alright, I feel obligated to comment on this. If you've been on YouTube this week for any reason other than looking for Japanese disaster footage (you ghouls), you've probably come across this gem of a music video.

That's Rebecca Black, one of the many teenage girls the record label Ark Music Factory (a fitting moniker) is throwing at the Internet in a desperate attempt to create yet another disposable pop star. Black answered the casting call, though I doubt this is the stardom she had in mind. The video went instantly viral and is being criticized, mocked and parodied like nothing else. I actually feel bad for the girl. She just wanted to be famous (judge the value of that goal how you will), and she just happened to fall in with a supremely untalented group of people.

I've listened to some of these Ark songs. They're all terrible, but this is the only one that's downright funny. I'd hope the ridicule they're getting would cause them to disappear and leave these girls to find their own musical voice (if indeed a single one of them cares about music at all), but you know how the Internet is. Visibility is credibility. So who knows?

The bottom line is I have been listening to this song on repeat since Monday morning. I dedicated my cereal to Rebecca Black this morning. And I really hope she comes out of this unscathed. Being a teenage girl already sucks beyond the telling of it. Rebecca, I wish you lots of good humor as well as luck in your future career. Keep up that pretty smile, and uh... stay away from the blue eyeshadow. You are definitely an autumn, not a summer.

What Big Eyes You Have

Has anyone seen that Red Riding Hood movie yet? Yeah.... it's pretty bad, but it's got some sex in the form of Max Irons and Shiloh Fernandez:

So you should probably check it out.

As teen movies about girls and werewolves go, its way better than Twilight (i.e. it's not unwatchable), but it's overacted and atrociously written with the exception of keeping a mystery who the Big Bad Wolf is (though if I knew the theme of the film was going to be "yucko teen girl sex fantasy" it would've been much more obvious). Luckily, Amanda Seyfried can still carry a film; she's definitely one of my favorite newcomer leading ladies. Ever since that pile Mamma Mia was dumped into theaters, I've trusted her to make bad movies tolerable again... though I still won't approach Dear John armed with anything less than a mute button and a fiery Channing Tatum fetish.

To conclude, people like Amanda and I look really good in blood red cloaks, and Easter's coming up so... consider getting me a gift and go see this movie for inspiration and so she keeps getting work.

Up next, I tell you all about my favorite Pokémon from the ones I've collected so far. Also, don't miss my special feature, "What in Your Bathroom Might Kill You?: The Truth About My Boyfriend's Netty Pot".

Lotus Nooooooo!

So, of course the IT department decides they need to upgrade our fully-functional e-mail system. And of course it gets remotely updated on everyone's machine except mine so I am locked out of my e-mail for two days.

And of course when they finally do update my machine, it slows to a crawl and the first thing I see in the morning is this:

Yes, computer. Thank you for being eerily clairvoyant. But tell me, O Wise Computer -- where do the problems begin?

/the old version of Lotus Notes was a fossil
//this version of Lotus Notes is a fossil from a slightly more recent geological period... let's just Google already

Hunger Games, Mind Games

You guys, I had a nightmare last night, and the plot of my nightmare was that I was chosen to be a tribute in the Hunger Games! Yes, so apparently these books are engrossing enough (and my brain gullible enough) that reading the second one for 2 hours before bed gave me my first bad dream in what must be 4 or 5 years.

If you do not know the plot of this series, basically in a post-apocalyptic (or something) world, there's this Capitol civilization that's all rich and shallow, and there are 12 neighboring Districts, which are poor and have shitty jobs and live in fear of the mean old Capitol's vengeance. They tried to revolt a number of years ago, so as punishment, the Capitol makes them send 2 teenagers apiece each year (12 x 2 = 24, you guys) to fight to the death in a televised match that's basically their Super Bowl. It's pretty brutal, and it makes for an awesome 1 2/3 books so far.

So anyway in my horrible dream I was chosen to fight, and since this wasn't one of my awesome Buffy dreams I still occasionally have, I was just gay old me. So before we all were to be taken to the arena, all the tributes and I were sitting outside chilling (as you do) and all I wanted to do was scream and yell and get them to band together and revolt, but nobody would listen to me. And then a big group of them started singing "Eye of the Tiger" to express how excited they were to start killing, and I was so terrified at what that song represented that I started screaming at them, but they sang over me and did hand motions, you guys it was the worst moment of my life!

When the song was over, though, I realized I couldn't remember who originally sang "Eye of the Tiger" so I forgot about my imminent death for a minute and asked the kid next to me, who said it was an old World War II song. That's when I realized that he came from a parallel universe where that was true. So that was pretty awesome.

Then I noticed Aziz Ansari sitting across from me, and I said "Oh no, they got you too?" But he explained that no, he was not chosen, but the Hunger Games pain him so much that every year he goes to the rally before the event and sits with the tributes to say goodbye. It was really touching. Thanks for being there for me, Aziz.

That's the end. Even though most of the dream was technically awesome on paper, it was all still terrifying, and I woke up scared and was grateful I got to snuggle up to C.C., who also does not know who sang "Eye of the Tiger".

The answer is Survivor.

Stats

Infinity months ago I stopped looking at my blog stats because I forgot about them, and I eventually just cancelled the service I used to aggregate them, but I was just clicking around on the Blogger site and noticed that it's been keeping them for me all this time! And I forgot how fun they are!

So I average around 80 page views a day, indicating a 0% rate of growth from 3 years ago! Hooray! Furthermore, most of my "referring URLs" are Virus- or Sex-filtered by the library, meaning I have some wonderful sponsors.

But the most important stats to keep track are the top 10 searches people do that lead them to my shitty blog. It would seem people are less perverted than they used to be because for the first time, it's not all about porn and penises (though it is a little bit.)

1. spring awakening sucks
2. kyle schmid
3. jennifer hudson fat pictures
4. seth mctigue
5. florida stereotypes
6. celebrity hard ons
7. ��������� ����������
8. celebrity hardon
9. nancy drew the movie
10. a girl who talks with her barbie heads

I love those question marks in diamonds, I love that people agree with my views on Spring Awakening (now my most commented-on post), I love that people are specific about what type of Jennifer Hudson they wish to see, and lastly, I love that "a girl who talks with her barbie heads" has led people to me 4 times. (I'm pretty sure they were looking for that movie Tideland.)

So anyway, I blog best when I am obsessed with talking about my blog.

Things I Am Into Right Now

Not talking about Starbucks every two seconds.

Yeah I don't even go every day anymore. Now that I got my mayorship back, it's lost some of its allure. Also Latte Boy is never around and Gay Latte Boy is very hot and cold with me. I'm not sure what I did.

Minecraft

None of you care about nerdy video games, but I've been playing this off and on for many months now (I'm an alpha adopter, ladies) and I just love it. It's basically a sandbox where you dig and scrounge for materials and make stupid shit and fight monsters. I have a base carved into a mountain and an indoor tree farm and an aquarium with nothing in it and a wall of fire that automatically kills cows and sheep for me and a tower with a giant ball of lava at the top that took me 9 hours to build and now I'm working on a secret library you have to swim up a waterfall to discover what no I go outside all the time and have lots of friends shut up.

Epic Meal Time

This is my newest YouTube subscription.

Cory, this is how I'm going to kill you. (Readers, Cory is allergic to meat or should I say he is allergic to being a man.)

The Hunger Games

Dudes, you have got to read this book. It's totally ridiculous, and I approached it with serious trepidation, but it's so good I read the first 300 pages in one sitting. You have to suspend a fair amount of disbelief, but Ms. Suzanne Collins hits a lot of good notes here.

Everybody at work talking really loud so I can't concentrate all day

I'm so into it, you guys.

Philadelphia is the topic

I dunno but basically I was in Philadelphia all last week for a conference. I didn't see much of the city, but it's not one I particularly need to visit again. Sorry, Philadelphia.

Here are some crappy iPhone pictures I took and then ran through that Instamatic app that's so popular now because there's no point in doing art if it doesn't look the same as everyone else's.

I took that one while waiting for a trolley with this kid I met while wasting an afternoon in the hotel lounge. It was kinda nuts, but he's got this gregarious charm that makes you forget that you're totally uptight with new people. He sat across from me to charge his phone, we started chatting, and 5 minutes later after I told him all my secrets I was riding the subway to the north part of town to ride one of Philadelphia's old street cars. It wasn't a date (we both have lovely boyfriends), but if it were, it would have been a pretty good one.

The trolley took us through some crappy neighborhoods, but what Philadelphia lacks in Stuff I Wanna Live Around, it makes up for in Stuff That's At Least Cool To Look At. Most of the ride was through Fishtown. ><}}}*>

Aside from conference stuff and the meeting of some lovely new professional contacts, that story's kind of the best thing I came away from the conference with. Well... that and a new affinity for Women Cops of Cincinnati acquired through a 4-hour marathon on TLC. Anyway the guy lives in Jersey, so hopefully we will be besties now if I ever remember to e-mail him when I'm not doing something else like blogging for you and only you.

Don't look directly at that one. The discerning eye will notice that this picture of Earth's yellow sun (and the previous of Earth's yellow tattoo parlor) neither are perfect squares, nor look like they were taken by a douchebag with ball-mangling jeggings. That's because I used Photoshop Express for the iPhone, another fun gadget this guy introduced me to.

Uh-oh.

To conclude, it is impossible to visit Philly without having that Flipadelphia chant from Always Sunny running through your head the entire time (6 days).

American False Idol

Now is the time when I post a bunch of pop songs with the lyrics changed so they become Christian songs. Because nothing says "I love God" like internet videos with no production value.

The wedding ring/purity ring thing isn't terribly inventive, so there are a ton of them to this song. I chose this one because I like the girl's womb chair.

The next girl shows her faith by changing the words to one of her favorite songs about bicuriosity:

God made the world, and he liked it. Yeah. But then he gave us free will, and all we've done since is fuck it up and have gay sex all over the place. Way to go, human race.

This one I legitimately like:

Isn't that soothing? It makes me want to smoke a joint and talk God with him and then maybe run my fingers through his hair. I don't like the part where he points at me, though. Back off, man, just enjoy the groove what kind of conditioner do you use?

Here's my personal favorite: Holyback. It has satans in it.

I'm really glad he set it to shitty home videos from his vacation: videos full of timber.... and a lake. Oh, I see what you did there! I also see that sin, and.... and I'm craving it! THANK GOODNESS YOU GOT HERE IN TIME!

Strangely, it makes me want to get my holy on. Holy on. Holy holy holy. Y'know how some words lose their meaning meaning when you say them too many times? Holy. Holy! HOLY! And Hosanna in the highest.

This post in inspired by a facebook post by my dear friend JC.

UPDATE: I have a new favorite Christian now and no it's not you it's this guy:

Anyway, you guys should totally make your own Christian music videos, and I'll link to them in my illustrious blog, but none of you will because you can hardly be bothered to take 2 seconds and leave a comment. "Wow, bitter much?" Yes, every day.