Lent Ills

SO, Lent, right? Lent came early this year, made more apparent by the fact that New York has had no snow worth mentioning and only a couple of really cold days, so it feels like winter's not even underway and everyone should be putting up Christmas trees. On Wednesday otherwise normal people we walking around the city with crap on their heads, apparently as an act of repentance. Granted this is no more retarded than the Jews' tradition of throwing rocks into the water, but isn't repentance supposed to be, y'know... repentant? Flogging, apology letters, and emo self-mutilation are repentant. Putting dirt on your face is just dirty.

I like the idea of Lent because I'm amused by the fact that people believe some omnipotent being creator of the universe type is going to give a rat's shit if they stop eating sweets for a month. Yeah, I know it's to signify Jesus' life in the desert when he resisted the temptations of Satan for 40 days, but what I want to know is what temptation was there in the first place? It's a freaking desert. Other than feverish masturbation, there aren't a whole lot of sins to commit, and after a couple days in the sun, I'm pretty sure one's desire to wank is automatically quelled by heavy sunburn and dehydration.

And seriously, if you're going to emulate Jesus' restraint, then you should resist the ENTIRE lure of Satan. I love that the people who say "I'm giving up salty things!" or "I'll stop having sex!" will still commit every other sin to which they are accustomed and continue to curse out people on the subway and smack their wives and stuff. You can't be like Jesus, ok? Quit pretending.

I did Lent one year. When I announced this, everyone was all "OMGWTF, you're a Jew" but they didn't understand that I had this all worked out. For Lent, I gave up Judaism!

It was pretty easy. About as easy as my friend who gave up cake but not frosting. I half-assedly tried to curb my Yiddish exclamations, which were spare in the first place, and I didn't light a single Hannukkah candle. I didn't feel much closer to God in the end, but as a post-modern experiment, I think it went fairly well. (I can't define post-modernism, so don't bitch at me if I'm misusing the term because I don't care.)

But I still hold that giving up personal sins for Lent is largely pretty lame. So many pious traditions are so self-involved. So instead, I want to encourage people to instead observe the "charity" portion of Lent that seems to get left out most of the conversations. Charity's hard because it's money, but there are other ways to put something into the world. Make something!

That's what I'm doing. Yeah, so I've decided to to Lent again, only this time, I'm not giving up anything (except perhaps eating an entire bag of Oreos like last night.) This year, I'm going to try and make something every day for 40 days even if it's really stupid and pathetic.

Yesterday, I made a slideshow so my friend could see the world. (I'm linking to it in another entry, so hold you horses.) Wednesday was before I had this great idea, so I didn't make anything that day. Unless you count how I made fun of that guy whose ash smudge looked like a smiley face.

Anyway, I'll probably fail because everybody fails at Lent, but at least I don't really think God's paying attention to me.

What are you guys doing for Lent?

Asian Beauty is a Phone Call Away

Good morning! Here's TV's Asian Nancy Kwan with some Friday morning beauty secrets:

in the what? : February 2007

I was looking back at my blog archives this morning, and I realized that I used to write a hell of a lot more. I'd have these entries with actual words and more than one of them a week even. It was this GOLDEN AGE.

So new goal: do that again. But not right now. Instead, let's take a trip back.

February 2007 Archives

Went on a date with a hot Icelander but was too culturally retarded.

I am Britney Spears with a cat

Chinese people are crazy

Asshole cab experience makes me hate brown people.

karaoke1
Will you be my Valentine?

Crash, Burn

I have a curse. Did you know? A real one. From a witch.

The witch in question is whatever ex-boyfriend I feel like blaming when the curse takes effect. The curse itself is that one time and only one time every winter, I will slip and fall spectacularly, injuring my tailbone and my pride in the process. EVERY WINTER! But just once!

calvindadslip
This is me.

Last year, I was lucky because I slipped outside of the laundry room early on a Saturday, and nobody was around. Two years before that was the worst one emotionally because it happened when I had been looking for a parking space for 30 minutes and was already running late for my interview with the Indiana University musicology department. I was walking with serious purpose down the road in my new overcoat and cute outfit when I hit a patch of black ice and my legs FLEW into the air like a cartoon character! I landed flat on my back in SO much pain and SOAKED. So I entered my interview totally pissed off, which was only made worse because my first interviewer was a dickbag. Whatever, I got in the program anyway, which goes to show that I'm smarter than a sore ass.

Anyway, you may have guessed that this season's humiliating crash came today in a season I thought was safe because we have had NO ICE OR SNOW SO FAR! Turns out all I need is drizzle and a staircase.

Yes, a staircase. I fell down the stairs on the way to the subway this morning. Don't worry, I didn't tumble and break all my bones. It was more like the IU Interview Day fall where my legs flew out in front of me (WAAUGHH!) and I landed on my ass on the stairs... and slid down the last five. And cut my hand.

The woman behind me was really nice and made sure I was alright even though the fall made my umbrella open at her and she could have easily killed herself too. Another woman asked "Are you ok?" but walked by without waiting for an answer. I love that unique brand of New York compassion. Anyway, now my ass hurts again.

The worst part about a bruised tailbone is that it's impossible to sit comfortably. I've been shifting in my chair like I have hemorrhoids all day. Worse still, I have shoe crap all over my butt. At least I'm wearing ugly clothes today.

I choose to blame the Witch Ben, even though he's not a proper ex. He never called me back, so gets to be the asshole. I HOPE YOU BURN LIKE MY ASS!

Kenya

Kenyan death toll reaches 1,000

With a headline like that, don't you think they'd want a picture of someone who looks just a little bit sad? Not someone joyfully proclaiming: "I went shopping!"

**UPDATE 2/6/08** CNN went and changed the headline and article after I linked to it. They're annoying, I'm not dumb. Ok.

Welcome Class of 2022!

After all my effort to provide sub-quality entertainment to the lowest common denominator, I am proud to announce the following:

blog readability test

Booyah, grandma! Doing my part to keep America illiterate!

Of Monsters and Monkeys

Everyone's talking about Cloverfield, which I suppose is the blockbuster movie event of January, that month when all the good monster movies come out. I, on the other hand, have zero desire to see the film, not least because I find cryptic, viral marketing not only ineffective, but annoying.

For the past couple of months, I'd walk off the 6 train coming home from work and come face to face with a giant poster depicting lower Manhattan, a dessimated Statue of Liberty and a URL: http://www.cloverfieldmovie.com.

"Oh, monster movie, huh?"

Unfortunately, since "Cloverfield" is such a shit name, by the time I would walk 5 blocks to my apartment, I'd forget it. The conclusions I had to draw were:

  • This movie thinks that broken Statue of Liberty imagery is somehow still original.
  • New York turns green when threatened
  • They REALLY want me to care what this is about, and I don't.

Then I found out it was all filmed on a handheld camera, which is pretty stupid, plot-wise. If you're my friend and we're running from a giant monster, you try and film the event and I'm gonna throw you in the monster's path. There's a time and a place for your stupid hipster artistic bullshit. Armaggedon is not that time. So basically, Blair Monster Project is not high on my list of must-sees.

Alarmingly, this movie is doing well. I don't mean to say that it shouldn't, as I'm sure it's entertaining if you're into that kind of thing. What's scary is that after Blair Witch, this is the second hand-held camera movie that's doing well in the box office, and we all know Hollywood's track history. In the words of Breathless Mahoney from my favorite movie of all time:

One is fun, why not two?
And if you like two, you might as well have four,
And if you like four, why not a few, why not a slew more?!

So get ready to barf into your $7 popcorn buckets because I bet we're gonna have a whole load of these things coming our way.

I, for one, will be staying at home watching things like Gorillas in the Mist, which is about as monster movie as I like to get. I watched it last night. Rampaging gorillas are funny, but I was grossed out by how attached Sigourney Weaver got to the monkeys:

Monkey Kissage
Like this, only lesbian

Basically, any sort of movie with animatronic apes in it is fine by me. Animatronic apes working a handheld camera trying to document some horrible disaster, though, I dunno. Moving up and down at a steady pace from one perspective for an hour and a half doesn't scream epic to me.

Celebrity Decomposition Watch

Chris, whose blog I stalk, mentioned that horrible deaths happen in threes.

Brad "Huck" Renfro, teen dreamboat who, when I was 13 or so, made more than just my heart throb, and Heath Ledger, who didn't need to star in a movie for me to imagine him screwing Jake Gyllenhaal, both died needlessly this month. Chris asks "who's next?" but my question is more specific: Which masturbatory fantasy is next to be rendered flaccid with images of decomposing, drug-wasted faces and guilt pangs about disrespecting the dead?

I'm running out of ammo here! ... wait wow no, let me rephrase that. I'm running out of fodder here!

Ryan Gosling
Ryan Gosling

Listen up, God! I've decided to believe in you for a few minutes so I can something off my chest. You didn't make up ALL the rules, and you seem to have forgotten some. For one, the young and the pretty do not die suddenly of drug overdoses. If that's gonna happen, it has to happen slowly like with Britney Spears, Lindsay Lohan, and Amy Winehouse. We want slow decay and a media circus long enough so that we're no longer attracted to the victim and are happy to be able to talk about something else. Thanks. Ok, go back to what You were doing; I'm gonna forget about You again.

Anyway, it is with a heavy heart that I announce my candidates for the next Hot Celebrity Drug Overdose:

Eric Bana
Eric Bana

Ryan Gosling -- I admit he looked a little better when he was younger, but he's still pretty, he's a good actor, and his "Young Hercules" was sort of a bridge between Renfro in my youth and Ledger in my young adulthood, not to mention that the show is in the same box as Ledger's "Roar." If you haven't seen Young Hercules, then... well that's really ok. Anyway, for me he has too much in common with the two who already ate it. HIGH RISK

Johnny Depp -- It would be SO LIKE this asshole world to take my man from me. He's too talented, too hot, and too smart. SUPER HIGH RISK

Eric Bana -- Eric is my current Sexiest Man Alive, and thanks to a new friend, I have an entire folder of pictures of him on my desktop. For the record, I prefer him "with beard" but when he shaves it, I'm ok with that too because my love transcends the physical. If he died, I'd kill myself, and that's probably why he's HIGHEST RISK

So say goodbye. There's another week and a day left until the end of January, which I've decided is the cutoff. I want to be proven wrong.

heath_ledger
SAY NO TO DRUGS!

Saturday Morning CarTube: Hedgehog in the Fog

This is a Russian cartoon by Yuri Norstein called Hedgehog in the Fog. It's quite beautiful and a bit unsettling, and I think you should take 10 minutes to watch it and listen to the clarineterrific score that accompanies.

Something from the comments:

martijnkerk
Reply | Spam
I see myself in the hedhoge in the end with his friend bear is stil simple and doesn't think about all those bigger thinks.

Oh please. He's from the Netherlands, so this isn't a comment on his crap English, but 90% of people who claim they're more insightful and thoughtful than everyone around them are completely deluded. You should get to know your friends better, martijnkerk.

Also, the part where the hedgehog lost his satchel reminded me of last night when I LOST MY iPOD AND BRAND NEW EXPENSIVE EARPHONES so you can all deposit your sympathy in the comments.

Potty Humor

Check out this e-mail I just got at work:

During the recent maintenance of the 2nd floor staff lavatories, which have been experiencing back ups, facilities removed several items such as: a library I.D. card, plastic utensils, fruit(lemons, limes) and a pair of beige panty hose from a toilet in the south staff lavatory. In order to provide continuous service, please refrain from depositing anything other than material for which the toilets are intended.

This has served to confirm my theory that librarians are insane, socially retarded, and unfit to live in civilized society. They flush fruit down the toilet. Don't you love it?

The Lake of Innisfree

Though not in the vapid style of the rest of this blog, I want to share a video I found this morning. It's William Butler Yeats and "The Lake of Innisfree". This guy on YouTube made a bunch of videos with old recordings, many of poetry readings. Not all of them work, but this one's pretty mesmerizing.

I wish the mouth weren't moving because it looks ridiculous, but if you just listen to it, it captures... something.

Fundie Quotes

I found a site with quotes from some of the more idiotic fundamentalist Christians talking on Internet forums. These are hilarious. But mostly creepy

Here's my favorite from the first bunch:

"I am a bit troubled. I believe my son has a girlfriend, because she left a dirty magazine with men in it under his bed. My son is only 16 and I really don't think he's ready to date yet. What's worse is that he's sneaking some girl to his room behind my back. I need help, God! I want my son to stop being so secretive!"

Fundie Quotes

Top 5 Reasons I Am Fed Up with Men

5. Ben didn't call me back.

The bastard.

4. I can't seem to get a blind date.

And by blind, I mean literally. There's nothing hotter to me than seeing a guy wave that stick thing around. Blind boyfriends come with advantages beyond the luxury of not having to look good every day. For one, they can't check out other guys unless you describe them first. Further, if you catch them flirting with someone, you can just say "Don't be fooled, he's looks like Lily Tomlin" and that's the end of it. And most importantly, you can sneak out of the house unnoticed, and by the time they realize it, you'll be halfway to whatever illicit activity suits your fancy. Just make sure to take the stick thing with you so they can't follow. I think it doubles as a dowsing rod for treachery.

The only drawbacks to a blind boyfriend are that they break everything and they can't tell what you're feeling without touching your face. I can live with that. If there are any blind boys reading my blog... I mean listening to it on JAWS (dun dahn dun dahn dun dahn), get a friend to click the comments link and hit me up. I'm a single non-smoker. I'm also a man, incidentally, but that shouldn't matter either way. If you're heterosexual, I can speak in a high-pitched voice and whine about my feelings a lot, and you won't know the difference.

3. I'm having a Penis Ugly Week.

I go through these phases now and then where I think penises are ugly and sex is gross. They never last long, but they're pretty intense. I usually try to get over it by looking at my "favorite" videos on xTube, but when I tried that this morning all I could think was: "Oh, sick! I can't believe I used to DO that." A few days without touching myself and it will pass. They're usually followed by heavily slutty phases, so get ready.

2. The only relationship-oriented men are the boring and the ugly.

Every unappealing man I meet wants a boyfriend. Every charismatic, attractive man I meet wants to screw and have fun. Nobody can explain this to me. Having felt intensely relationship-oriented this past month or so, I can only imagine I've become boring. Because I'm still hot.

There are exceptions to every rule, so don't get offended if you're relationship-oriented. If we're friends, your attractive, ok? I'm too shallow for anything else.

1. I don't have one.

Surprise! Believe it or not, this entire post comes from a place of loneliness and self-loathing! Waah waah waah, where's MY validation? Oh, that's right, my validation didn't call me back. (See above.) If you need me, I'll be cursing men, renouncing love, and spending the rest of my life alone like those women you read about.

Yeah, it's called "being empowered." Look it up.

From Chaka Khan discussing her upcoming role as Sofia in Broadway's The Color Purple:

Q. Religion is important in “The Color Purple.” Are you a Scientologist?

A. I’m not, never was, never will be. I belong to the religion of the Church of Chaka Khan, and I practice it every day.

Ben and Arthur: Convo Movie Review

me: I'm watching the most shit movie right now.

Kevin: what movie?

me: Ben and Arthur.

Kevin: I've never heard of it

me: I got it on Netflix. It's the number one worst movie of all time according to imdb user ratings.

Kevin: awesome i love bad movies

me: Yeah. It's about a gay couple. The guy who made it is playing one of them. He's fat and bald, and he paired himself with this dreamboat to be his partner. It's SO fake.

Kevin: omg omg
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HxKByXGC890
is that the trailer?

me: It was made with amateur equipment.

Kevin: that's not a movie, that's a home video

me: YEAH!
That's it.
Isn't it horrible?

Kevin: that's awesome!!
everyone has gay face
LMAO
I love it

me: Right?
It's amazing.

Kevin: i'm watching the trailer again
hehe
for ben and arthur
its like a porno with no sex

me: And a fat guy.
Ooh, they're dishwashers at a cafe together.
OMG Fatty's auditioning to be an exotic dancer.

Kevin: hahaha
are they consciously being bad?

me: No, I believe 100% that they're taking themselves seriously.

benandarthur

(hottie looks less like a crack fiend in the movie)

me: Ooh, a sexy!

Kevin: a what?

me: A sexy.
He's a PI apparently.
But he's hot.
He's a gaywad too.
But I don't think his character is supposed to be gay.

Kevin: is he the blonde dude in the trailer?

me: No, that's Victor, the brother who hates gays for religious reasons.
He hired the PI.

Kevin: nice

me: Now they're meeting at night and I hope they do it.

Kevin: oh you know they will

Ben and Arthur Rating

(there aren't any screen caps on the net so I'm stretching for graphic dividers here, ok?)

me: "I don't make sense? You don't make sense! I make sense, that's who makes sense!"

Kevin: lol wut?

me: Dialogue sample.

Kevin: It sounds like they're doing it as a joke!

me: But it's not

BenHur

me: Eew, fatty shower scene. I can't believe I'm so engrossed in this.

Kevin: HAHA
you STILL watching that?
gosh!

me: Yeah, the minutes are inching by.

Kevin: did fatty get it on with someone?

me: No, he was just showering.
He's in it to win it with the hottie.
Who just got shot AGAIN.

Kevin: why does he keep getting shot

me: Blondie does it.
Or arranges it. I'm not really sure.
This one he did.
I want the PI back.

Kevin: what does he look like?

me: He's like 19 with a twinky face, brown hair, and thick eyebrows.
Eew, more naked for fatty.

Kevin: why is he getting naked so much?

me: EEW BUTT SHOT!
I DON'T EVEN KNOW!
God.
Again!

Kevin: hahaha

me: Man, the last 10 minutes of this movie are like Fattie'sbuttapalooza.

Kevin: that's so disturbing
maybe he wants to advertise his ass

me: Oh, it'sover.

Kevin: how did it end?

me: Bloodbath.
Oh, he made it with Adobe Premiere.

Man....

... it's nights like this when I wonder how the fuck I got home alive...

The ORG Goes to Sleep: 1/1/2008

Sleep well, The ORG.

No, no. Thank you.

Bowel Movement #1: Affetuoso

Without commenting on the prospect of becoming a screenshot whore, I wish to share another. Often at around 6 a.m. when I get up, I like to check my site statistics from the day so far to see what people search for in the wee hours. Today, I was thrilled to find an idea for a new invention that's bound to make me a gabillionaire.

Site Stats -- And a Fabulous Idea

Imagine a bidet that plays Rachmaninov and other musical masterworks! Classical music when you're at your least classy! Hum along to Mozart and Beethoven as you enjoy a cool, refreshing spray from below! It's even better than my toothbrush that plays the song from Napoleon Dynamite.

I'm going to contact the Brondell Swash people. Soon I'll be rich. See you on the other side!

Checkin' the Chicken

I use seamlessweb.com every time I order in food for delivery. It's way easier to place an order without being put on hold and deciphering broken English just to have them misunderstand me and bring me something I'm allergic to or that has mushrooms in it.

The site's great, and usually fairly accurate to a restaurant's print or in-house menus. The following, however, threw me:

chicken

We're all catching the fact that a whole chicken costs LESS than a half a chicken, right? I mean... right?

What's especially frustrating about this is that I don't want a whole chicken. I could never eat the entire thing, and besides, I like my chicken like I hate my men: dark, fatty, and wet. It's skinny, dry, pale boys for me, and therefore, I wouldn't eat the white meat part.

Plus, I'm afraid it might be a typo, so I got my usual from this place instead of risking the whole chicken and being charged twice as much.

New Year's Resolutions 2008

Keeping in the spirit of years past, I waited a few days before posting my New Year's resolutions to let the "spirit of the season" wear off and life return to normal. Everyone gets all wrapped up in New Year's and makes these stupid resolutions that are at once boring and unattainable. "I will lose 20 pounds this year." Yeah, good luck, cow. "I will be nicer to people and pet animals and feed starving babies." Yeah, not if you're feeding yourself, cow.

Anyway, my resolutions are way better. Last year, there were 14 resolutions (we don't count the last one), and I didn't keep a single one. This year, I hope to build on that success:

  • I promise to dress like a rich kid and forego meals to afford to do so. Style and weight-loss in one!
  • I promise to call more people cow.
  • I promise to continue yelling hateful, racist things at the television when I'm alone. (Guaranteed success.)
  • I promise to stop telling people about their friends' weird penises as if it says something about their personalities.
  • I promise to finally take the Harry Potter 7 countdown clock off of my blog.
  • I promise to stop talking about my hair for 2 seconds (nonconsecutive).
  • I promise never again to affect an Australian, British, or Slavic accent and say "I'm not from here" just because I don't feel like giving someone directions.
  • I promise to stop shaping meat on my plate into a model of the animal it used to be.
  • I promise to stop sleeping with the unemployed.
  • I promise to masturbate to a picture of Zac Efron just once to get it out of my system.
  • I promise to care about the presidential election. HAHA just kidding, no I don't!
  • I promise to read a book to a child. HAHAHAHA, ok, I'm not even taking this seriously anymore. I guess I'm done.