in the what?

i'm freeeeee

Ok new goal. I'm not going to trim my hair again until October! Because I'm trying to grow it out but the last couple times I've gone in for a trim, my beautiful Agnes has taken a bit more off than I'd like. Anyway, right, so I'm getting it recolored after my eye surgery in August but nothing else until October or even later if I have the conviction. I'm a convict.

This morning I went to a sort of publishers' new release expo thing here at work, and I got a free bagel and a muffin and coffee and about 20 books and Lisa Loeb sang stuff from her new children's album, which is going to be awesome. That was just the children/YA portion. This afternoon is the adult part, where I will get free lunch and hopefully even more free books.

I totally didn't belong there this morning and we left during all the presentations, but I changed my hairstyle like 5 minutes ago, so maybe they won't recognize me.

BORING STORY FROM MY PAST ALERT so I made that heart out of felt a few years ago for a boyfriend on Valentine's Day, but as I was making it, he pissed me off really bad so instead of making a Happy Heart from the Land of Sundrops and Rainbows, I gave him that eyepatch and made him bitter like I was and then I kept him for myself and didn't get my boyfriend anything for Valentine's Day. Anyway I love him and now you all know how artistic I am. You also know that if you piss me off before a holiday, I won't buy you anything. His name is Pierre.

Here I am reading my million page book I'll never finish.

That's my totally undefined arm.

Tonight I'm having mexican to stay tuned to hear all about my upset bowels later.

Goodbye, Social Life, we're breaking up

I completely overextended myself this weekend like I never have in my life. I have a hard time balancing the two main drives in my life: "having friends" and "ignoring everybody" so I fluctuate between the two. One weekend I'll stay in by myself and lie about being busy so people don't pester me to do stuff with them and the next weekend I'll make so many plans that I practically die.

On top of being super busy, I also got sick as you know, so it was extra crazed and I still have a cough. Anyway, I saw a bunch of movies, including Dark Knight, during which I was sick and tired and drunk and eating an entire medium popcorn with Rasinettes so I had a stomach ache too so I don't really know what happened in it, but it was pretty good. I dunno, it was a little too intense. And am I allowed to say Christian Bale was just alright? I'm feel like I'm not allowed to say anything bad about this movie for fear of NERD LYNCH MOBS so I dunno. I need to see it again. Oh, but P.S. filmmakers, when you punch and kick people it does not make a deafening bass WHUMP WHUMP sound, especially if you're wearing a rubber suit.

I also saw Mamma Mia, which was weak, but I wasn't allowed to have that opinion either because of all the gay around me. I was kinda drunk for that one too. Hellboy II was fun. No criticism except they didn't use David Hyde Pierce again.

What else did I do this weekend that required sitting on my ass for 2 hours... oh right I saw The Little Mermaid on Broadway, which was cute and colorful and restored my faith in the child actor. The little kid who played Flounder wasn't whiny or obnoxious or high-pitched or blonde or any of those horrible things all (ALL) Broadway children are. He can't dance for shit, but hopefully that just means he has friends instead of dance lessons.

Anyway I was so tired and exhausted from those things and some cocktail parties, brunches, late nights, early mornings, alcohol, and being sick that yesterday I did my favorite thing ever and stayed inside all day watching Xena: Warrior Princess and that is going to be my life from now on.

In Which I Finally Realize My Name Rhymes with Snot

Y'know what's horrible? Watching your body slowly break down from disease until you waste away to nothing and all that's left is a shrivelly, bald, smelly mass of bones that doesn't even look like you! Has anybody ever experienced that?

Well I am right now! I have a cold. Two hours ago, I did not have a cold. Clearly, this is the end.

Usually when I get sick, it happens over night when my body is not paying attention. Rarely does an illness have the chutzpah to attack when I am at the ready. And NEVER has it had the AUDACITY to try and infiltrate my defences with the MIDNIGHT DARK KNIGHT PREMIERE JUST HOURS AWAY! This cold has some serious brass testes, which I will CRUSH if it in any way inhibits my enjoyment of tonight's blockbuster hit! I hope it's reading this.

Side note: Call me crazy, but isn't the luckiest koala in the world one that did NOT get hit by a car going 60 mph?

BEHOLD THE CITY!

So I have this new plan to get to know this city I've lived in for over two years and still know practically nothing about. Part of that plan entails exploring different places I've never been. Last Saturday I set out early and had a perfect day doing that.

Ok, first I went the The Kitchen to see this art exhibit, which was kinda bad because none of the abstract art had any sort of description, so I had no idea what the eff I was looking at. A few people meandered in, but nobody stayed long. People forget that most abstract and modern art doesn't really stand on its own. There weren't even titles, so I named them myself.

Hanging Disruption

Room of Disruption

The dreaded Box of Disruption

Ok now you know all about the future.

Also on Saturday I went to Battery Park because I had never been there before. It's pretty cool but a pain in the ass to get to considering the billions of places with trees I can walk to in 10 minutes. Let's see.

Here's some boats.

Here's some weird purple flowers.

Here's some birds eating high cholesterol foods.

Here's the time.

Here's some reality.

In conclusion, Battery Park City is just as touristy as everything else people outside the city can see on a map and say "I've heard of that", so if you're going to bring your camera, make sure you wear something "New Yorky" so other locals can identify you and not try to hit you on their rollerblades.

Ok, I gotta go. All this typing is making my nose run harder.

I officially work by the WORST SHITTIEST STARBUCKS EVER. I promise not to do this more often (reprint here stuff I've written elsewhere) but this is my Yelp review of the place:

It's official. This is the worst Starbucks ever ever ever created and I hope it BURNS in the Great Starbucks Purge of 2008.

Oh, but Rachel N.... Rachel N. has it right. I keep coming here because it is close to my work and I am lazy. Lazy lazy lazzzzy. Every time there's this long line and everyone's all "That's not my drink." "Do you have a soy mocha in there, I ordered it like 10 minutes ago!" "No, I said SKIM. SKIIIIIIM!" "No, you're swiping the card upside-down!"

There used to be a girl who liked me that worked here. She was probably the slowest and dimmest of all the employees, but at least she was infatuated with me, y'know? I'd have someone to talk to while I waited 20 hours for my drink to come. She's gone now.

But I keep coming here. I must hate myself. I must secretly want myself to die of boredom, frustration, starvation, and caffiene deficiency all at once while the missing link tries to decipher the syllables in "raspberry scone."

I don't believe in evolution anymore.

Speaking of evolution, am I crazy or is it not right that every one of these puppies looks exactly the same? Why don't crazy inbred puppies end up with hairlips and all that crap that incestuous humans get?

Be warned. They don't ship their babies.

Anyway, side note, I'm looking for a cheap notebook computer, as small and light as possible, for writing and web browsing only. It doesn't have to be powerful, but it has to be small and light, and I'm looking to spend as little as possible. Suggestions please, though I have lots coming in. No Craigslist.

Wait nevermind, I just found my answer I think. Or the Eee. Whatever it doesn't matter the point is I already have a friend figuring it out for me.

Everyone has to give me the Facebook Mike and Ike gift or I'm taking you off my friends list.

For the sake of posting SOMETHING

I've been burping up sushi breath for the past 4 hours hurry hurry kiss me you fools!

Ugh, I'm a lard mound right now.

On the plus side I spent the weekend in Boston with Claire and now I'm back and not going anywhere for a while. Furthermore, my I Don't Have AIDS Party 2008 is this Saturday at the same time as my friend's birthday and the guest list is the same so come celebrate with me!

I don't have time for this right now.

Cisco from Frisco writes:

Fucking hilarious. I am sitting here really LOL'ng and my co-workers looking at me like I'm crazy. It's probably because I'm fatter AND prettier than them. Total jealousy.

But you rock it out. Great blog.

X
Cisco

Thanks, Cisco! I bet you're not fatter OR prettier than me.

Psst...

I'm going to Boston tomorrow morning to spend the 4th with my good friend Rocking Claire (In a Rocking Chair). She just moved there an has no friends, so we're going to go to this party where neither of us will know anyone, and we'll probably end up spending all our time in the corner watching people and talking about them and why they're good at parties and we're not, which is what we love to do.

And of course we will also Celebr-8 Amerika LOL because that is what the day is all about. I'm wearing my new t-shirt with the keyboard guitars on it because it's the only thing I own with all of red, white, and blue on it. I suppose there's also my "Republicans for Voldemort" shirt, but I don't know what kind of party this is and would like to avoid getting beaten up for being a) a nerd, b) a liberal, or c) a fashion victim.

Ummmmmmm other than that nothing, I'm falling asleep at my desk right now see you on Monday bye.

Ain't No Thing Like a Chicken Wing

I feel like crap right now. Anyway, why is it that when you're walking down the street feeling fresh with perfect hair, clear skin, and your awesome new shoes all you get is ogled by a creepy Mexican man looking you up and down saying "Jes, jes, jes..." but it's not until you're already three sheets, falling over, and have just eaten a plate of fries the size of your head (which NOT SURPRISINGLY makes your FACE look like a plate of fries) that you meet the charming sexy man of your dreams and he's Spanish and rich and his apartment overlooks the river?

This is a fact of life. It is also a fact -- and I did a scientific study last year to this effect -- that if for some reason the charming sexy man of your dreams takes your greasy ass home for a pity whatever (ahhh, The Spaniard, you are no longer a secret) you wake up with your face no longer looking like a plate of fries, having magically metamorphed to look like a chicken wing. It's like Pokemon. "Congratulations! Your GREASY evolved into GROSSY!"

Questions to ponder. I bring this up because while I met the Spaniard last year, I met the Jes Man on Sunday before Pride. Here ends the Introduction section of this post. Let's talk about Pride Weekend even though it's totally last month's news.

Pride was fun. Can that be all I say? Typing hurts my brain right now.

Fine, whatever, so I went to Lips for brunch where I was mocked by this SWINE of a drag queen ("What are you supposed to be? Harry Potter?? What, did chess club get cancelled?" AT LEAST I DON'T RECYCLE JOKES! I'll stupefy her ass! More like STUPIDFY!) Then we went to Pieces where a sexy guy on a drug cocktail hit on and touched ALL of my friends except for me. Is it crazy to want something you don't even want? STUPEFY! Also it rained.

Then I went to this awesome party at the Highline Ballroom called Color Me Queer. It was a South Asian gay party, which pretty much guaranteed me being the tallest one in there. Instant win! They were playing Bollywood music and American pop with a sort of Bollywood feel. Videos and all. VERY cool. Then this drag queen came out doing Indian dance, and I kinda fell in love.

But not in a sex way.

Ummmm, then I drank out of a fish bowl at a bar filled with 20-year-olds. Then I got irrationally mad at my friend's friend's friend for like two seconds and felt like a 15-year-old girl. Then I went home so my perceived age wouldn't plummet any lower.

Also, I found her:

Please ignore how ASSY and shiny I look in this picture. This was the end of a very long day. That's my friend Sam in the middle there.

Anyway happy belated Pride. I'm gonna go vomit up my hangover now.

AS PROMISED!

Yeah, who wants to do me now? I bought a two-month supply of band-aids for until the thing goes away completely and the redness fades.

Anyway now I'll talk about something else I WENT SHOPPING! After work I was walking up 5th Ave. to go have a nice free afternoon in the park when I saw this beautiful jacket in the Versace window so I veered in. The jacket ended up being $5,000 so... no. But I love being tended to in these places, and this gaysian guy kept telling me about everything and seemed to think that I could afford ANYTHING, so it was kinda nice, and I ended up getting these shoes that were totally awesome and half off. I've wanted white shoes for a while. I've wanted silver shoes for a while.

BAM I got both for half. I'm the best shopper ever.

Thrilling conclusion

Great news, it wasn't a cyst after all, but a viral abcess! He froze it with this cold air gun that looks like you'd clean your keyboard with it. I said it stung a little and he told me my body can't feel the difference between heat and cold, and I was like "Thanks, quack dermatologist, but it feels cold to me!" Anyway if it doesn't completely disappear in 4 weeks I have to come back.

Right and then I went to the bank and was charged THREE FREAKING DOLLARS to get money out of the Chase ATM. Anybody remember when that stuff was $1? I know! Yeah, so does anyone else remember when there was a good reason that shit should cost anything at all?

After paying Chase $3 to use two cents of electricity to spit some bills at me, I went to my cafe and had a chicken salad sandwich and cafe au lait for $11.50. The chicken salad sandwich came with nothing. It's the most overpriced place I know about, but I still like going there and I only do it after seeing my quack dermatologist, which I haven't done in almost a year and a half anyway.

I gotta go home now bye.

Customer needs acystance

Ok full disclosure: I have this gross red bump cyst thing on my abdomen right where my beautiful skin should be. Some people have suggested it's an ingrown hair, but I don't have any hair there so I'm thinking it's a new strain of melanoma or something. Whatever it is, it most seriously needs to go away without scarring because this used to be my favorite part of my body. I'm going to my quack dermatologist today during lunch, which is a double win because it's right near this awesome bakery/cafe on Lexington. Actually it's a TRIPLE win because my boss isn't in today so I can take a slightly long lunch.

Anyway if you're lucky maybe I'll post some pictures later. Meanwhile watch this video I watched two times this morning.

Woe Betide

I don't care who you support or what your politics are. I'm very open-minded that way. But if you use the phrase "Barack 'n Roll" we are no longer friends.

Now it's time for math class. Solve the following:

(boss supposed to be gone but comes anyway) + (you came in late because boss is supposed to be out and so instead of leaving early, you have to say extra late) + (major dry eye today) + (flat awful hair) + (promise of going home to do long-postponed laundry) = ????

The answer is SHITTY DAY! The extra credit answer is SHITTY LONGEST DAY EVER!

Did you know that when I type things in all caps I imagine it's funny? But one time I heard someone quoting my blog out loud, and he did the caps lock parts all wrong, like with all this anger, and now I can't figure out why he thinks I'm funny. Actually all your internal voices are probably wrong, so I don't know why anyone at all reads my blog OH WAIT that's right nobody does.

Also my friend Matthew (you know my friend Matthew) wants everyone to know that Yelp made him famous. You should all get to know my friend Matthew by reading that interview and his blog or instead reading the following description:

Matthew is a Jew. His hobbies include talking about how great he is, taking pictures of himself with the same expression on his face, and dating some other Jew.

Nupshuls

White people wedding alert!

Here we have the back of my lovely cousin's head and the blurry face of my childhood best friend. They got married this weekend in Chicago, and it was a really really lovely wedding. Among the Top Two of weddings I have gone to, and that's not even counting the Swedish meatballs.

Anyway it was a Catholic wedding, and I guess that means only white people are welcome because that's all there was except this one Pakistani kid, a friend of the groom's. At first I was surprised I noticed such an anomaly, but then I was surprised that I was surprised. And then I just sat there for a few minutes thinking to myself "WOW, I can't believe this wedding is REALLY all white people." Then I remembered my upbringing and I wasn't surprised anymore.

This is my sister and my mom. I turned on the wind machine for this one.

Another reason I liked the wedding is because I was a freaking local celebrity there, being the only person who was both bride-side and groom-side. I was also voted Most Frequently Viewed in the Jennie/Jason Growing Up Video Slideshow playing in the lobby of the country club. (I told you it was a white people wedding.)

Further highlights included the Swedish meatballs again, the Cake of Simple Elegance, my cousin Erica coming through with Aleve for my sinus headache, and "accidentally" being in the bathroom for the duration of the Chicken Dance. But the best part of the day was when I told my mom I hated weddings like this because I could never have one, and she told me not to worry and that I'd have one just as good. She told me all about my cousin's commitment ceremony with her lesbian partner and how it was even bigger. (I couldn't go.) So my mom said all I had to do was wait for my crazy racist homophobic grandma to die and I could have the wedding of my dreams with all my family there. So any minute now. It really was a comfort. I felt much less alienated.

She also reminded me I should find a fiance first, but I reminded her that that's the easy part.

Oh and then my camera started malfunctioning on the dance floor when I wanted to get some shots of my sister and cousins dancing, and the hired photographer came over to give me some advice. It wasn't helpful and when I asked him something specific he said he "didn't know my camera" even though it was a general purpose question, so he got an F for Advice and a D for Effort, but an A+ in Fucking Annoyingness and a B- in Looking Like a 50-Year-Old Virgin.

In conclusion, I'm secretly a sappy person and I always cry at weddings, even Catholic ones. My favorite part is when the new family goes to pray to the porcelain baby and he tells them what to do.

UPDATE: In further conclusion, the following is a picture of my grandma's first cousin, Bernice, who is one of my favorite people in the world and this picture is part of the reason why:

Don't be mad but I had more fun than you last night

I had serious hangover starvation this morning, I thought I was gonna pass out on the subway, which decided it needed to stop for half an hour because someone got sick at 68th St.

I'm sorry but if you're not feeling great and it's 80 degrees outside, be smart enough to keep yourself hydrated. And if you're the MTA, if someone gets sick on the train, push 'em out and move on. If they barfed, well... fine, but that doesn't take half an hour. Whatever, I'm over it. Maybe it was a heart attack or something. I can see how that would be a time sucker and hard to predict.

Anyway, I went out with Kevin last night, and we had happy hour at Gym Bar where we ran into this tiny little friend of his who was Italian and really tan and had a hat with his name on it and one of those narrow thin beards that just traces the jawline. Is there a name for those? Anyway, his name is Anthill or something and he's the type of guy who knows DJ's and goes to parties and stuff. That type usually doesn't mix with the type who can be perfectly happy spending an entire weekend with his Buffy the Vampire Slayer DVDs, but for some reason I totally fell in love with this kid, and I realized it's because he's got this friendly inclusiveness that makes me feel really good about myself.

Too bad Kevin LEFT ME and then when I finished my drink I felt too uncool to go say goodbye to Anthill so I snuck out. Social outcast alert!

I also ran into this guy I met two years ago and never talk to, but who is very thin. We said "Call me, we should hang out!" which is the same conversation we had a year ago around this time.

Oh, and I met a kid from Afghanistan who looks like he's from Iowa. He was also very small and thin. I wanted to ask how to say "I'm a big fat cow" in Farsi, but having also spent a large portion of his childhood in India, I was afraid he would think I was being arrogant.

Motherfucker.

MOTHER. FUCKER.

That is all.

Another visit from the Disapppointment Fairy!

Ok I'm back. Y'know how it sucks to get shitty news through the grapevine or by overhearing people talking when they don't know you're there like maybe you're sitting in a toilet stall and two other guys walk in talking about how much fun it was tag-teaming your wife? Only this time it was me at my desk eavesdropping as this guy from another library in my system was telling someone else that a girl he works with is taking a certain job. Yeah and what neither of them knew was that this is a job that I INTERVIEWED FOR and that I WANTED REALLY BAD so it was this horrible shitty moment and WHAT THE HELL, I even told the job to call me and let me know whether I got it or not and they never did I guess. I think I'm entitled to that. It's not like I'm applying to work at fucking Pottery Barn, this is a professional organization and they should stick to their word.

Whatever. So I'm not moving to Chicago. I didn't really want to leave New York anyway.

Anyway, in honor of Shitty News Day I'm getting ice cream on the way home and then ordering one of those big honkin' avocado and onion burgers from Jackson Hole. I eat my feelings.

Man, sometimes I wish I were a 16-year-old girl, I'd be such a cliche.

Vampire romance... more like TRAMPIRE ROMANCE!

I just rekindled my two-year-old tradition of sitting out in Bryant Park during lunch and getting tan! I'm so dark right now I look like a... well still like a vampire, but maybe one who's slightly embarassed.

Anyway now I'm back at work and I'm soaking wet and smell like a slaughterhouse. I also think I'm all uneven because I was more interested in lying on my stomach and reading my book than lying on my back and getting color on that side.

Yeah, I'm totally obsessed with this book even though it's annoying and exasperating and I'm 10 years too old for it. I'm reading Twlight by Stephenie Heyer, who can't spell her own name so she decided to write a novel about a teenage girl with no distinguishing characteristics except vague bouts with depression--that is to say no distinguishing characteristics--and the vampire boy she loves, played by Cedric Diggory in the upcoming movie.

Anyway it's awful because the girl is essentially in lo--well let me just copy/paste the comment I left on my friend's blog because i know you all care SO MUCH what I think about this book you'll never read. I encourage you to skip it.

I find it really exasperating that Bella lets Edward treat her like he does. He gives her nothing but cryptic non-answers and then gets mad at her when she doesn't do exactly what he wants, and she just sits there taking it like some idiot girl who cares about a boy more than her own self-respect. Essentially she's staying with him for being "pretty" and "mysterious", and we have enough vapid teenage girls in the world who already ascribe to this sentiment that we don't need Stephenie Meyer encouraging them.

He also lashes out at her for his own faults. If he's really SO dangerous and cares about her SO much, he's being incredibly selfish by imposing himself on her all the time, yet when he gets tempted to eat her or whatever it is, somehow it's her fault for not leaving him alone? I don't THINK so, buddy.

I also have a problem with the fact that he is drawn to her unpredictability. Of COURSE he finds her unpredictable. She's the only person he can't read. He's never had to PREDICT anybody's actions. So it's not that she's especially unique (because she's not), it's just that he doesn't have the usual early warning system telling him what to expect.

BLAH so it annoys me. Maybe I'm too old for the book. BUT, considering I read over 300 pages in one sitting and have so many feelings about it, it's obviously doing something right.

My favorite part is that it's in the first person so I spend a lot of time pretending I'm gazing into Cedric Diggory's eyes and admiring Cedric Diggory's beautiful muscles and kissing Cedric Diggory's.... hm.... I'm definitely reading the rest of the series.

In conclusion, you should all read this book because it's ACTUALLY rather good even though I happen to hate everybody under the age of 21.

Not everyone in the book, I mean everyone in the world.

That is... unless that under-21er reads my illustious blog, in which case I don't hate you, but I seriously question your intelligence for enjoying a blog that a 4-year-old would scoff at. And possibly pee on. Do 4-year-olds still wet themselves?

Whoa, gotta go.... just overheard a bombshell...

Sabon

I went to Sabon today and bought some new awesome skin care products and I came home and showered and used my new scrub and lemon-mint moisturizer and my skin is so soft and fragrant that my cat won't stop licking me.

Update. XANADATE!

Great news, everybody, we got a new office pencil sharpener! The old one would choke and sputter if you didn't put the pencil in exactly so, and you'd be afraid it would start spewing sparks and smoke and set the whole place aflame starting with your stray hairs. It was time for a replacement. Sigh. Life's like that. One day you're lively and whirring and getting plenty of wood jammed in your hole, and the next you're cast aside for the next generation with their trendy lines and smooth faces. Even though it's the same old ugly stumpy pencils, suddenly you can't measure up.

Luckily, MY life's not like that because I don't date old people who only use me for my body... which is really the only category of people that metaphor fit. Moving on, I'm seeing Xanadu again. I guess it's Boys' Night so it'll be all G's and their G friends. Reception to follow. I am excited except instead of like last time when I sat in the on-stage audience and stared at Cheyenne Jackson's ass the whole time, this time I will have to look at his face and arms. I can adapt.

To conclude, watch this but not for 2 straight hours like I did because it's pretty much the worst best gameshow ever made.

I have this total cottage cheese craving right now.

Hi I'm back. I'm a really busy guy lately. In a nutshell, here is what I am busy with:

More of the same.

If you want more detailed details, you can make them up and if they have to do with playing video games, eating pastrami, or seeing the new Indiana Jones movie, you are correct.

I was going to write about my reunion, remember?, only I realized that I don't feel like talking about my FEELINGS. Basically let's say that I still love all my old college friends, and even though we've all grown and changed, we still fit together really well, and I also pretty much think we should all live in the same place again. I approached the weekend thinking we'd sort of relive our past experiences, but we really weren't doing that even though we spent half the time talking about that past. This was especially evident when we realized all the restaurants we used to like SUCK NOW! Talk about dropping the freaking ball. Who'd have thought Asian food could suck so hard in podunk Ohio?

Nothing else has really changed, though, oh except this beautiful freshman turned into an UGMO fifth-year. But other than that, Yoko's still loco, my old professor is still robbing the cradle, and the conservatory library smells as it always did and makes me tired.