Even if you don't care about what books I've read you should still read this because I make some awesome and mature puns!
The BBC believes most people will have only read 6 of the 100 books here.
Instructions:
1) Look at the list and put an 'x' after those you have read.
2) Tally your total at the bottom.
3) Tag others and pass it on.
Here's the list:
1 Pride and Prejudice - Jane Austen
2 The Lord of the Rings - JRR Tolkien [more like BORED of the Rings hu hu hu, I wish I'd thought of that myself]
3 Jane Eyre - Charlotte Bronte [x]
4 Harry Potter series - JK Rowling [x]
5 To Kill a Mockingbird - Harper Lee [x]
6 The Bible
7 Wuthering Heights - Emily Bronte
8 Nineteen Eighty Four - George Orwell
9 His Dark Materials - Philip Pullman [x]
10 Great Expectations - Charles Dickens
11 Little Women - Louisa M Alcott
12 Tess of the D’Urbervilles - Thomas Hardy [x -- one of my favorite books ever]
13 Catch 22 - Joseph Heller
14 Complete Works of Shakespeare [Ok no but only because there are some works that are seriously skippable]
15 Rebecca - Daphne Du Maurier
16 The Hobbit - JRR Tolkien [x]
17 Birdsong - Sebastian Faulk
18 Catcher in the Rye - JD Salinger [x]
19 The Time Traveller’s Wife - Audrey Niffenegger
20 Middlemarch - George Eliot
21 Gone With The Wind - Margaret Mitchell
22 The Great Gatsby - F. Scott Fitzgerald [x]
23 Bleak House - Charles Dickens
24 War and Peace - Leo Tolstoy [more like BORE and Peace! Just kidding, I've never even tried this, I'm sure it's great]
25 The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy - Douglas Adams [x]
26 Brideshead Revisited - Evelyn Waugh
27 Crime and Punishment - Fyodor Dostoyevsky
28 Grapes of Wrath - John Steinbeck
29 Alice in Wonderland - Lewis Carroll [x]
30 The Wind in the Willows - Kenneth Grahame
31 Anna Karenina - Leo Tolstoy
32 David Copperfield - Charles Dickens
33 Chronicles of Narnia - CS Lewis [x]
34 Emma - Jane Austen
35 Persuasion - Jane Austen
36 The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe - CS Lewis [x]
37 The Kite Runner - Khaled Hosseini
38 Captain Corelli’s Mandolin - Louis De Bernieres
39 Memoirs of a Geisha - Arthur Golden [more like Memoirs of a Gaysha!]
40 Winnie the Pooh - AA Milne [x]
41 Animal Farm - George Orwell
42 The Da Vinci Code - Dan Brown [x-- more like The Da WINCY Code... because its so bad I winced all the time.... ok that one sucked]
43 One Hundred Years of Solitude - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
44 A Prayer for Owen Meaney - John Irving
45 The Woman in White - Wilkie Collins
46 Anne of Green Gables - LM Montgomery
47 Far From The Madding Crowd - Thomas Hardy
48 The Handmaid’s Tale - Margaret Atwood
49 Lord of the Flies - William Golding [x (Bored of the Flies, yeah yeah, we get it already)]
50 Atonement - Ian McEwan
51 Life of Pi - Yann Martel [x]
52 Dune - Frank Herbert
53 Cold Comfort Farm - Stella Gibbons [Moooooo! Frozen hamburgers!]
54 Sense and Sensibility - Jane Austen
55 A Suitable Boy - Vikram Seth
56 The Shadow of the Wind - Carlos Ruiz Zafon
57 A Tale Of Two Cities - Charles Dickens [x-- more like A Tale That's Too Shitty!]
58 Brave New World - Aldous Huxley [x-- I hate this book so much it doesn't even get an awesome pun]
59 The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time - Mark Haddon [x]
60 Love In The Time Of Cholera - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
61 Of Mice and Men - John Steinbeck
62 Lolita - Vladimir Nabokov [more like Ho-lita!]
63 The Secret History - Donna Tartt
64 The Lovely Bones - Alice Sebold
65 Count of Monte Cristo - Alexandre Dumas
66 On The Road - Jack Kerouac
67 Jude the Obscure - Thomas Hardy
68 Bridget Jones’s Diary - Helen Fielding
69 Midnight’s Children - Salman Rushdie
70 Moby Dick - Herman Melville [more like Moby DICK!... wait that doesn't work]
71 Oliver Twist - Charles Dickens
72 Dracula - Bram Stoker [x OMG BORING... more like.... more like... i got nothin' OH YES I DO: "This book sure SUCKED!"]
73 The Secret Garden - Frances Hodgson Burnett
74 Notes From A Small Island - Bill Bryson
75 Ulysses - James Joyce
76 The Bell Jar - Sylvia Plath
77 Swallows and Amazons - Arthur Ransome
78 Germinal - Emile Zola
79 Vanity Fair - William Makepeace Thackeray
80 Possession - AS Byatt
81 A Christmas Carol - Charles Dickens
82 Cloud Atlas - David Mitchell
83 The Color Purple - Alice Walker
84 The Remains of the Day - Kazuo Ishiguro
85 Madame Bovary - Gustave Flaubert
86 A Fine Balance - Rohinton Mistry
87 Charlotte’s Web - EB White [x]
88 The Five People You Meet In Heaven - Mitch Albom
89 Adventures of Sherlock Holmes - Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
90 The Faraway Tree Collection - Enid Blyton
91 Heart of Darkness - Joseph Conrad [x -- I also hated this book. Ummmm FART OF DARKNESS!]
92 The Little Prince - Antoine De Saint-Exupery [x-- favorite ever]
93 The Wasp Factory - Iain Banks
94 Watership Down - Richard Adams
95 A Confederacy of Dunces - John Kennedy Toole [x]
96 A Town Like Alice - Nevil Shute
97 The Three Musketeers - Alexandre Dumas
98 Hamlet - William Shakespeare
99 Charlie and the Chocolate Factory - Roald Dahl [x]
100 Les Miserables - Victor Hugo
Totes: 25.
1/4. Not bad
Analysis: WHO MADE THIS SHITTY LIST!!??! What is it even supposed to be? Books you should read because they're good? Books you should read if you don't want to make an effort developing ecclectic literary taste? Books that we have heard of here at BBC and thought would make us sound smart?
Is Hamlet somehow excluded from the works of Shakespeare? Was it necessary to exclude The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe from The Chronicles of Narnia at the expense of the 101st choice that didn't make the cut and was maybe the slightest bit outre and perhaps by a non-European/Russian?
Brave New World? Really???
Oh shit, am I in a bad mood? I didn't think I was in a bad mood, but now I'm acting like I am.
Oh, I gotta go! Facebook wants to teach me to make over $1,250 a week from my kitchen table in my underwear!
Open Letters
Dear Sirs and Madams:
It would appear we have an issue that must be dealt with. Please scroll down to find your personalized letter and take the necessary steps to respond. Your haste is appreciated, though waste will not be tolerated.
Hope you are well,
~2H~
Letter #1
Dear Subway:
It came to my attention last night that you may or may not have altered the recipe for your tuna. By my calculations, the tuna I had last night tasted largely the same as usual but with about 20% more deliciousness added. What is your secret? Have you done the same at all 30,000+ of your international locations? Do they eat tuna in India? Please respond and I would also like a free t-shirt.
Keep eating fresh,
~2H~
Letter #2
Dear Old People:
Would you please stop OH WAIT I forgot you can't use the internet ok nevermind.
Letter #3
Dear Chickens of the World:
How many of you are there!? OMG think about it, like how many chickens get eaten each day? There are millions of restaurants, and all of them need SO MANY CHICKENS like EVERYDAY! WHERE DO THEY KEEP YOU ALL!?! What is it like? Do you have to have lots of babies all the time? How many of you share a studio? Do you save on rent?
Curiously,
~2H~
Letter #4
Dear Cows of the World:
Same goes for you except you're even bigger!
Mooo,
~2H~
Oh my God, why are 75% of my letters about or addressed to foods?
Poll: McDonald's today yes or no?
Spidey Sense
Quick link. I found this in my To Blog pile from a while back.
So check out this spider maker, it's pretty cool. It's the latest in arachnid-simulation technology. It's especially cute if you give him long, skinny legs, and big body, and lots of "walk bounce." And you can feed him. Via Ze Frank.
Whoosh Update: Your Source for Whooshiness
How many hamburgers did I eat this weekend? Four.
I know!
They were so good.
Hamburgers! Hooray!
Hooray for hamburgers!
Other than that, this weekend basically consisted of me looking at apartments. I saw 8 and was impressed with but one. One other was this Grey Gardens nightmare that the selling agent was all "Oh, you can do anything you want with it! It's all surface stuff, you can have it the way you want in no time." My realtor whispered to me "You're looking at $100,000 in repairs and upgrading here. Srsly." I like my realtor.
Anyway my friend Sam also stayed with me because his floors were getting redone. We bed shopped, which involved him making me lay on beds and getting my opinion. But that got boring so I would walk away to lay on the $5,000 beds and say "Oh, but Sam, try out this one!" pretty much with the goal of making him dissatisfied with whatever he ended up choosing. I'm a good friend.
I also went to a The Bird and the Bee concert at Carnegie Hall, which was pretty much the best thing ever. They're a super-talented duo, and the girl who sings (presumably the bird), Inara, was such a trooper because she was sick with a horrible cold but stuck it out and had a great time anyway. Highly recommended.
Bottom line is SNORE I'm so tired right now. Can I tell you how many sets of stairs I did yesterday? I've been looking at lots of walk-ups.
Anyway, there's an awesome apartment with a private roof deck (just for me), so if you pray for me to get it, you're invited to my Memorial Day barbeque. If you're a vegetarian, you might want to eat something beforehand because all I can offer you is Snyder's cheese pretzel niblets.
Some Fine Products
So I was back at the homestead (Chicago) last week at a conference (hence the radio silence). The week, apart from being exhausting, enlightening, fattening, lovely, etc., also involved a lot of cuddling up in the hotel room watching quality daytime television.
Highlights included Tyra, Ellen, Springer, Judge Judy, and some American Idol retrospective. It took me back.
Whatever who cares the point is Chicago has some of the most repetitive, awful, boring local commercials during daytime talkshows. It's all "Get your degree online" this and "Good credit, bad credit, or no credit at all" that clearly appealing to the demographic of jobless losers who sit at home all day and expect the world to give them something for nothing.
Some of them tickled my nostalgia funny, though, like Attorney Peter Francis Geraci and his bankruptcy info tapes. I swear, that man has been trying to get me out of debt with the same constipated schtick since I was 10 years old, but he's obviously doing something right because he hasn't aged a day! You go, Peter Francis Geraci!
Anyway, this sort of got us on the topic of awesome local commercials from across the country. By "we", I mean me and my cuddle-up-and-watch-shitty-teevee buddy James. (Those were some good times.)
Anyway, he deserves most of the credit for the following selections.
Oh, and if you're only going to watch/listen to one of these, scroll down and make it the last one, the one that's only audio. I swear to God.
FREE CHICKEN BOX!
I apologize in advance for the next one. You'll be singing this hit song to all your friends for days!
P.S. AWESOME SUIT WHO'S YOUR TAILOR!?!
Yeah, he's white you racist.
These next two are from Chicago THANK YOU!
How in the hell can he store that stuff for such a cheap price?!
Oscillated!
OMG and last, you need to hear this a million times. It's a radio spot for La France Drugs. No video... no problem. It is top qualiky!
I listen to that over and over again.
OVER AND OVER!
Luggice.
None For Meme, Thanks
There's this meme going around Facebook where you make a fake album cover for your fake band, and it's all based on random stuff. Here are the instructions:
1 - Go to http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Special:Random. The title of the first random wikipedia article you get is the name of your band.
2 - Go to http://www.quotationspage.com/random.php3. The last 4 or 5 words from the last quote of the page is the title of your first album.
3 - Go to http://www.flickr.com/explore/interesting/7days. The third photo is your album cover.
4 - Using photoshop or a similar design program, put it all together.
5 - Post it here with this text and TAG the friends you want to join in.
There's some variation, but this is the basic idea.
But there's no effing way I'm doing this. I opened up the first two pages in tabs, and the band name and title I got were (AND I SHIT YOU NOT):
Band name: Anus Language
Album: Powerful Muscles, But No Personality
The reason I am not Photoshopping this is because it gives a whole new meaning to this picture.
Song of the Moment
I'd like to introduce you to "The Thrill of Thirty Seconds" by Skint & Demoralised. If you think the guy's cute, wait until you hear his accent.
This is my favorite song right now. When I have a favorite song, I listen to it endlessly until I'm absolutely sick of it, but there's no sign of that happening yet.
I like it right now because a) it's happy and all my favorite songs are happy songs, but also because b) it expresses that exciting sweetness of new infatuation, which as you all know is the best, worst, and most irrational part of any good relationship. Until you get to the next part, that is.
People try and temper themselves, being afraid to get too excited about something that hasn't developed yet, but I don't like that. I think it's one of life's great indulgences.
Hats Off To SOB!
Remember my salon? Remember how it's awesome and I love my stylist? Well they dropped the freaking ball last weekend and it isn't until now that I've decided I'm seriously mad about it.
Remember how I'm vain and shallow? Remember how my beauty comes from a bottle? Yeah, well Ink for Hair decided without consulting me that they were going to discontinue using their Paul Mitchell "the color" coloring products and only retain their shitty other brand. So FINE whatever, my stylist was up front with me and said "This brand's warm colors suck, so we'll see what we have to work with." (Perfect. Sucky warm colors when I want my hair to be hot hot hot!)
Sure enough the equivalent color on Shitty Other Brand's pallette was dull and totally lackluster. It was bereft of luster. Furthermore, the luster it lacked was made up for in lack of luster. Need I continue?
So my stylist, being fabulous, said she'd mix in this other color to give it some vibrancy and shine like I like. Wheeee great and in conclusion it didn't work and half an hour later my hair was the color MANISCHEWITZ!
I'm exaggerating, but I did hate it. It was super dark and actually the color red, which I dunno if you've noticed, but red hair is not red, it's orange. I looked like a punk or at least like one of those Russian women in leopard-print lycra. My coworker said it looked "cranberry" in the flourescent light in the office.
Everyone was all "Oh, it'll fade and look fine" but it's not fading fast enough and also, I'm afraid it will fade to PINK!
And to top it all off, the shit destroyed my hair! I still can't get my fingers through it without hitting like infinity knots. The Paul Mitchell was awesome because my hair would feel smooth and normal again after like 3 washes. I've washed my hair 12 times since last Thursday, and it's STILL a nappy mess.
I'm so annoyed that I have to find a new salon and colorist, and it's such an inconvenience right now PLUS I'm going to a conference this week and was hoping to look like a professional and not a "professional."
In conclusion, I would say that Shitty Other Brand is not a good hair dye.
Tidbits
I have no large thing to say, but I have many little things to say.
1) I think people (or at least I) should start saying "Wotcher!" like some variety of British people do. I can't think of a cheerier greeting.
2) There's this creepy old guy who works here, and every time he comes into the bathroom, he flushes ALL the toilets before using one.
3) HOLY CRAP ok so this is like the fourth day in a row I've written like 4 lines of a blog post, forgotten about it for hours and then given up and deleted it. Well screw you I'm posting this unfinished piece of shit anyway and my stomach hurts to bad right now.
I gotta go.
Google Says You're Fat... Well I Ain't Down With That
So Google Sponsored Links at the top of your GMail inbox try to link you to places based on your interests and the stuff you talk about in your e-mails and all that. I get some pretty cool stuff sometimes: links to science articles, recipes, tech news, movie reviews...
But I think Google is starting to judge me.
Thanks, Google. You're starting to get my values straight.
Legion of Lesions: A Retrospective
Hi guys! You'll never believe the good news! I'll give you some hints ok it starts with S and ends with E and has TY in the middle.
YES! Another entry in a long line of ugly benign growths on my face and body. I don't have a picture of it yet, and I don't know if I will because it's so small and will be hard to capture.
The thing I love about it is that not only is it a gross red bump on the inside of my eyelid that obscures my vision like a cataract, but it also adds a bit of swelling to my already dark and puffy undereye area! I only wish I had a date tonight!
I was going to name it Tyler, but I know a few Tylers and didn't want them grossed out, so instead I'm naming it Skylar because it "clouds" my vision. Get it?
This isn't the first disfiguring mark my body has displayed in recent years. You all probably remember the gross cyst-like thing in my abdomen region that had to be frozen off. Ice cream anyone?
And then there was this spider bite or zit on my face under my eye that was so aggressive that I deleted the photo instead of subjecting people to it.... I wonder if I still have it somewhere... Anyway, I told everyone I was busy that weekend but really I was just hiding from SHAME.
But none of those were the worst of all, and now I get to use my favorite caps lock sentence ever:
DID I TELL YOU ABOUT MY CYST!?
I probably didn't because it happened in grad school before I decided the world should know all about my problems. Anyway it was over my right eyebrow, and at first I thought it was just a gross zit so I dealt with it but after like a MONTH of it not going away I finally saw a dermatologist and he [REVOLTINGNESS DELETED] and now I just have a scar in the area that I hate when people ask about because unlike most scar stories that are awesome like "I got in a car accident while fighting ninjas riding unicorns" mine is "Oh, you mean I NEVER TOLD YOU ABOUT MY CYST!?"
Anyway, this stuff happens to me more than it happens to anyone I've ever met, so like all decent emo sac-wranglers who feel so alone in their problems, I've decided to express my feelings in a poem.
Protuberance Exuberance: a poem
Stye, stye in my left eye.
I found my vision gone awry.
I wondered how, I wondered why.
Stye, stye in my left eye.
Cyst, cyst, the usurpist.
Men look at you with interest.
And when they do, I shan't be kissed.
Cyst, cyst, the usurpist.
Zit, zit, I'm in a snit.
A chronic bane, up there you sit.
You start a bump, you end a pit.
Zit, zit, I'm in a snit.
Stye, stye, why won't you die?
You make me weep, you make me cry.
With all that salt, you still won't dry.
Stye, stye, why won't you die?
Cyst, cyst, I'm super pissed.
My face has a disgusting twist.
I'm warning you, you're on my list.
Cyst, cyst, I'm super pissed.
Zit, zit, I'm over it.
You think you've won, you're full of shit.
You're here, you're gone, and that is it.
Zit, zit, I'm over it.
L'envoi:
Facial growth,
You serve to both
Mar and frighten,
But I'm loathe
To scratch and pull
And squeeze and pop.
Facial growth,
This has to stop.
Watch This
WARNING: This blog contains spoilers for The Even Stevens Movie and by continuing it you agree that either you've seen it or you don't give a shit about what happened at the end or about how bad Christy Carlson Romano's shitty pop song was because the only good thing she ever did was voice Kim Possible.
So I haven't blogged in 11 days because, as I constantly harangue strangers about, I haven't been inspired or anything, but it occurs to me that I don't HAVE to be inspired or have anything special to say and I can write stuff even if all I did all weekend was sit around with an upset stomach for 75% of it so from now on I will bring you breaking news about every retarded little detail about my life.
Starting with The Even Stevens Movie, which I watched yesterday in my first and last attempt to see everything Shia LeBeouf has ever been in. Did you know he used to look like this?
Yeah so basically The Even Stevens Movie has nothing that makes Disney Channel stuff good (wholesomely-sexy 18-year-olds playing 14-year-olds, hokey charm, deceptively catchy pop songs, and Raven-Symoné) and all the stuff that makes it bad (shitty jokes, kids who think their hijinx are funny, and lastly FAT UGLY kids who think their hijinx are funny but do get some props for playing "Chunky Kid" in an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer seven years ago.)
Luckily this movie is about how the Stevens family gets tricked into thinking they won an exotic vacation on a tropical island but really it's a reality show that makes their life miserable and tests their strength as a family using starvation and animatronic squirrels. I say "lucky" because the premise means Nick Spano has a long shirtless scene and he's hotter than he looks here on the right:
FEED OUR FATHER!
I CAN'T WAIT TIL MY CONTRACT IS UP!
In the end, the Stevens family learns a valuable lesson about love and togetherness and then Shia LeBeouf and Dave Coulier have an obnoxiousness contest and tie for the win.
View a Man
I already made some of you do this on GChat.
Click on me then follow instructions.
Step 1) Click Melange Eggplant
Step 2) Tell me if you like the color for me
Step 3) Observe the ugliest model in all of history
Yesterday I went to happy hour with Kev's coworkers and met his friend who's moving here and who I hope will be my new knows-about-music-stuff friend because I don't have one right now. We wound up at Therapy where this kid started talking to me, and not only was he boring but he scoffed at my television preferences so I started kicking this Friend of Kevin behind me to have him save me from the Xena-bashing snorefest and he wouldn't do it and then I saw him across the room and went to him and he said he didn't feel me kicking him so I'm like "Oh, fucking great, I was standing there kicking a stranger" but it turns out he was lying and just ignoring me because he wanted to see me squirm with this stupid boy who's never even SEEN Buffy the Vampire Slayer so what does he know!?
Yeah, hopefully he'll be my new friend.
Eavesdumping
Here.
It's a picture of me.
I went to a new cafe this week while wandering SoHo trying really hard not to be 3 hours early for Samfriend's brunch on Saturday. City Girl Cafe. Good coffee. That picture at the top is so obviously the city girl.
Oh and I got to watch a blind date happen and fail. So there was this guy sitting alone, right, and this girl walked in who clearly worked there and had a shift starting in like 2 hours. You could tell because she said so. She was talking to the other employees when that guy got up and asked if she was Sharon. She's like "No, Sarah. Blind date?" He said "Match.com. She actually looks a lot like you." Sarah says "Oh, I can't wait to see her if I'm still here."
About 15 minutes later, Sarah left and Sharon showed up. She was really pretty, but she looked like Sarah to the amount of ZERO unless you count the fact that they were both ASIAN! Good one, guy. I have an idea, why don't you tell Sharon all about her "twin" because she'll find it funny that you can't tell Asian people apart.
So he did. And she didn't.
Whatever, I eavesdropped and kinda tuned out for a while because the date was going well, and it was boring first-date conversation that I don't want to hear with people I'm out with let alone perfect strangers. Then I caught her say "So what exactly is it you do?" and I'm thinking "Oh, he must have an interesting job if she doesn't have an idea of what it is from his profile."
So I listened. And I watched as her eyes glazed over at the words "Well, my real passions are soccer and acting, so those are what I'd like to do." I've never read an Asian girl so perfectly. Everything about her face said "Oh, really? I was hoping for someone with a career." See because he's not an actor. He wants to BECOME an actor. A soccer-playing actor. Like a less-hot Andrew Shue.
Then she told a story about her dog, and pretty much once you start talking about your pets, you don't care how your first date is going anymore so I left.
And ended up an hour early to brunch, which was way fun and a total success because after that and holidays I am fat again see?
More later.
this post is about nothing
HANGOVERFACE!
Here's to never looking like this again in 2009!
Anyone know how to get rid of dark eye circles? Not puffiness, I already have a hemorremedy for that, just circles because right now I can dress as the Joker without wearing makeup.
Also, I got a personal trainer, here's a picture from our first session:
Just kidding, I didn't get a trainer, but I'm thinking of getting a Wii Fit.
fmylife SCHADENFREUDE! Hello, Internet, thanks for combining LJ, Twitter, and everbody I hated in high school into one site.
2009 will be my year. For me. Mine.
Mother heifer, the year is over and I have once again failed to achieve any of my goals. Money? Uncheck. Love? Uncheck. Pony? This close!
I did get a lot of D this year, which none of you want to know about, and I furthermore spent a lot of money on books and clothes, both of which are arranged by color in my pauper's apartment. Paupartment, if you will. Will you?
My last goal of the year was to write a 2008 Year in Review, but there's really nothing to review.
Favorite album of the year: Something from the '90's.
Favorite TV show of the year: Something from the '90's.
Favorite movie of the year: Mean Girls again.
No, not even Batman.
What's to reflect on? Same little apartment, same bonehead job, same sense that I'm too weird to hold a lover. It's not a mindset that makes looking back a gay romp. I'm not normally one for that sort of depressive introspection, but for some reason this season is filled with my first-ever feeling of New Year's Guilt and Regret.
SO! In honor of the occasion, I hereby declare myself "Approaching 30." Ooooooooooh! Clock's ticking, dude!
I don't know what I want besides a change, and I have a good feeling I'll get one. I'm looking to move in April, which is a start, so hopefully having an actual bedroom will make me feel like I've made something of my life. Maybe I'll spring for one with a bathtub and some counter space.
Stupid rut. I diagnose myself brunches, dates, professional conferences, dinner parties, and maybe an orgy. There's really nothing to be done except getting off my ass and back into the world. And perhaps an internal change is in order as well... like not hating people by default. Yeah, I'll start with that.
2009 is going to be a good year. I can tell. Not even this depressing Emiliana Torrini song on my iPod can make me think otherwise even though she just called me a bleeder. So here's to a happy, healthy, peaceful, progressive, and enlightening year for you and your loves ones! And especially for me.
Hipappy Boxing Day
Hi, so basically Christmas came and went. I abandoned my lonely day of movies and China in favor of one movie (Doubt, it was pretty good) and attending the Orphan Christmas Party of a couple super nice guys I only met once, though we have friends in common. It was awesome, I ate tofurkey and they even had a stocking for me with a Lego orc inside and the Across the Universe DVD, which I kept hoping someone would buy for me because I probably never would myself because of the extreme REJECTION I got after seeing that movie in the theater. Just kidding, I didn't actually mind it. Anyway, hopefully I didn't make a dick of myself so they will be my new friends HI GUYS AND WELCOME TO MY SHITTY BLOG!
But the holiday festivities have not come to an end because no holiday is complete without some needless stress. Mine is in the form of losing everything I value on my computer. See, I bought this external hard drive by LaCie earlier this week for the purpose of putting everything on it and reformatting my computer. So I did that. But now the thing is giving me crap. In the middle of reading and writing, it starts clicking and then unmounts itself from my computer for no reason.
The problem is, I still haven't put everything back on my newly-erased computer AND the fact that I was hoping this thing would work to house my music library rather than my PC. So basically everything's stranded on it, and the LaCie website is all stick-in-the-ass and saying how they aren't responsible and if I send it to get fixed/replaced, they won't bother to give me my data back. Thanks, LaCie, it's good to make customer service a priority.
But I brought it to work with me (yeah, I'm at work now when the rest of professional America is home with their leftover ham) and it seems to be pretty stable on my work computer for some reason, so backed up my life here (don't tell). Anyway, I'm mad, and I'm not the only person to have this problem.
I dunno, hopefully I was just overworking it this morning. There's a chance it was just getting mad at having to play AND import music at the same time.
Isn't knowing every detail of my computer problems SO interesting?
Ok I'm gonna go eat my croissant and call my mom to see if she landed yet because my parents are visiting today.
Oh and my computer's fixed so Photoshop works again so I will hopefully use my camera again after like infinity months of leaving it in the corner.
Best Hannukkah Ever
It has now been two weeks, and my Jonathan Taylor Thomas poster has still not arrived. But fear not! I have something even better! I got the bestest Hannukkah gift ever last week from my friend Eric! Are you ready?
The XENA:WARRIOR PRINCESS ALA READ POSTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! omg
Ever since my coworker gave me the Xena bookmarks from the American Library Association's Celebrity Read campaign (she found them in an old pile of stuff that had been around for years) I've wanted the matching poster to grace my wall, but it was impossible to find! They only have the new ones with like Twilight and Ice Cube and William H. Macy (like yeah, I'm a delinquent teenager and I'll start reading because I wanna be JUST LIKE WILLIAM H. MACY!)
Anyway, I got an Andrew Shue one on eBay, but nothing compares to my Xena poster. I was SO HAPPY, and I made him tell me how he got it. He actually CALLED ALA and the girl he talked to said they had just done inventory and found some old Xena posters and that she'd send him one if he sent her a check. So yeah. Awesome, right!?! It says "Vanquish ignorance. READ."
Now I just need the Buffy poster ("Slay ignorance. READ.") and I just read on a Xena gossip site that there may have been a Gabrielle poster, so I want that too. "Hit ignorance with your stick thing. READ."
I think I've now officially talked about Xena in this blog more than any other one thing. OH and speaking of awesome gifts, Kev got me this little set of stuff to trick out my DS with Super Princess Peach! It had stickers and a cleaning cloth and a retractable pen stylus all in pink so now my DS is glamorous.
P.S. I didn't blog at all last week because I had this miserable cold that made being creative nigh impossible, not that my blog is very creative, especially right now. Anyway, my plan for this week is to finally reformat my home computer so I can get photoshop working so I can get the photos off my camera to I can take a picture of my awesome Xena READ poster for all to see.
Random Acts
I don't know if I'm a good person. I do good things, I know that. Somehow I've managed to cultivate an evolved sense of politeness in which I take pride. I hold doors for people, I pick up things other people drop, I'm hyperaware of the comfort of those around me and try extra hard not to inconvenience or annoy anybody, and I do all these things instinctually.
The trouble is, when I'm doing these things, I'm not always pure of heart. If you were in my head as I was holding the door for someone who doesn't thank me, you'd likely hear me think "Yeah, you're welcome, dicklick." If they didn't lunge fast enough to take it from me, it'd be something like "Step it up, you fat bitch," while my face betrayed none of that inner poison. Sometimes a stink eye will find its way out for someone remarkably ungratious, but for the most part, all I seem is patient and kind.
Yet there's no question about performing the virtuous act. One never goes through a door without looking behind to see if someone is following. One never takes a seat on the subway until everyone else who wants one has taken one. One always stays to the side when one walks and remains aware of people who may be coming up behind and want to pass. That's just the way.
This morning, while waiting for a light to change, I was tasked with the quintessential example of modern chivalric obeisance: an old lady asked for help crossing the street.
My first thought was not "Yes, I'll help you." That's a given. I'd offered her my arm before even processing her request. This left my mind available to start thinking hateful things about this nice old lady. It began with a realization: "Wait," I thought. "What the fuck am I doing here? You don't need help crossing the street! You just walked TO the street! How is walking across it any different!?"
So there we went, hobbling across the street while she pushed one of those cart things filled with crap old people use to go grocery shopping. She couldn't get it over any of the cracks in the road, and I didn't like her struggling, so like the gentleman I am, I asked if I could push it for her. She replied that she needed it for balance as her left knee does not bend. "Fine," I thought. "Now all I have to do is yank it from under you and I can make my escape."
Eventually the light turned while we were still in the middle of the street. "I'm glad you're here. These cars wouldn't wait if you weren't," she said. I smiled and replied, "Yeah, I'm pretty noticable." What I was thinking, however, is "What!? Are you being sarcastic!? People can see you fine! The only reason people would run you over is because you're in their damn way, and by the way, I totally appreciate being dragged into that crossfire." I got to make a nasty face while thinking this, thank God, because I had to shoot the stink eye at a guy glaring at us from his car. My eye said "Screw you, plug!" but my brain said "Yeah. I know what you mean."
Finally, after walking for 40 days and 40 nights, we arrived at the opposite curb. She thanked me graciously, saying "You're a very nice young man!", and she even apologized for holding me up. I said "Don't mention it! It's a lovely morning, and I'm in no hurry. You have great day now," though I'm not sure she caught that last part because I spun on my heel and high-tailed it out of there like PWING! And I thought: "Wow, what a nice lady! I feel like I did a good thing today. But GOD, I don't know how those fucking old people get ANYTHING done!"
Does anyone else hate December now because of that song from the animated feature Anastacia?
Hey, America, I forgot to say thanks last week.
Here's a picture of Jonathan Taylor Thomas that will soon be gracing the wall above my bed.
I can't wait for the next time I bring a guy home (projected date: Never-ember, 2025) and he can be all ready to lay with me ("lay with me", what is this, the bible?) and then he'll see ol' JTT and my Andrew Shue READ poster and either make an excuse to leave or get turned on, and then I will know I am in love.
Oh and P.S. I had two Thanksgiving dinners and a whole bunch of other food this weekend, obviously. I also did nothing but sit around, watch movies, and sleep for 12 hours in a row a couple times.
Estimated caloric intake: Infinity calories.
Estimated calories burned: 1 calorie.
Total weight gain: -3 pounds.
Yes, I am the only person in the world (United States) who lost three pounds after a gluttonous, slothful Thanksgiving weekend. Kudos, me.
Being thrust into an environment of constant, inescapable social interaction as I was this weekend is totally exhausting. I had a fabulous time, and I loved everyone I was with, but it's just too much for my feeble, introverted soul to manage. There's even a difference between sitting and watching Young Guns II with a group of people not saying anything and sitting and watching Xena alone with a hungry cat. So last night was a night of totally welcome decompression. I relaxed so hard... well, except during Gabrielle's emotional turmoil episode. That was taxing.
More weekend statistics:
Animals killed for my gratification: 2 turkeys, approx. 3 pigs, 2 chickens, 1 cow, and whatever the hell gives its life to make Jimmy Dean sausage
Shitty movies watched: 5 billion
Good movies watched: Like 2
Totally Awesome movies watched: 1. Bolt. Yes.
Hours on a bus: 13
Hours I wanted to kill myself on a bus: 12
Posters of Jonathan Taylor Thomas purchased: Only 1 so far.
soup toys c
Ok, I've tried this on a few people and only one of them got it, so I'm releasing it to the world to make sure you don't all suck as much as some of my friends.
I was at the movies on Sunday seeing Twilight (pretty good) and there were these two obnoxious but kinda fun college-aged boys behind me talking about penises or something. It wasn't annoying, I'm just mentioning...
Anyway, you know how they have those pre-movie slideshows with trivia and ads and games and stuff? Well there was this word jumble, right, and the answer was "Quantum of Solace" that new Bond movie I don't care about. But ok the way it was displayed on the screen before the painful unjumblization process was:
NAUMQTU
FO LASCEO
My question for you... more of a riddle, really... is: Why did one of the obnoxious boys and I laugh at this? (If you can't figure it out right away, use the clues in the story. Winner gets a free Encyclopedia Brown book.)
Guest Blogger
Well hello! And welcome to my blog.
Hi kids! Scott can't come to the blog today because he's stuck in a seminar about how to sign in and out on a timesheet. This is his identical twin, Fatty the Hutt, doing a guest blog spot to fill you in on his horrible morning.
It was a dreary dawn on the Upper East Side. Our hero left the house toting the shitty, cheap umbrella his union gave him to celebrate 40 years of ineffectual staff representation. "It's gray and wet," said the East River. "Enjoy your four-avenue walk to the subway."
Well la ti, after getting stopped at every light, he finally arrived and felt the familiar floppy-heelness of an untied shoe. Rather than sit in a puddle on the ground, he lifted his leg onto the low window ledge nearby when a deafening ripping noise tore through the air (pun) and actually caused a passing woman to turn her head. Yes. Scott had split his favorite pair of expensive jeans that were less than a year old. The woman said hello to his Superman underpants.
So he walked ALL THE WAY BACK home (15 minutes), changed into a new outfit (5 minutes), and walked ALL THE WAY BACK to the subway (15 minutes) and was now incredibly late for work so he figured since there was no line in Starbucks, an extra 5 minutes wouldn't matter. He was going to treat himself to his first Cranberry Bliss Bar of the season to take the edge off the morning.
Fifteen minutes later after the second time they screwed up his order: "No, SOY!" "Well do you want this one anyway, or I'll just toss it." "Only if you want me to have diarrhea all over your store from drinking the cloudy water you call skim milk."
So anyway... way late to work, stuck in a timesheet seminar that should take 5 minutes, needing to buy new jeans after work with money he doesn't have. I implore you, dear readers, to give our hero something to put the yay in his day and the perk in his work.
Jimmy
Hi
iam called Jimmy.Iam a male Ugandan aged 19 yrs.I have always wanted to get some one we could share almost every thing.Some one who could be more than an internet friend.One who is willing to make a long lasting and trustable partnership.I have decided to make you my partner.I want our relatinship to be more and willing to cross boarders.Iam a erson who loves travelling alot and i could do any thing poissible to make sure that i meet you.I want to meet you and we make the best couple in the whole wide world.Iam fresh and i have not been with any one.I am keeping every thing utill the day i meet you because your sexiness look makes me want to see you naked and i rub my d**k next to your body.And even to spend the whole day licking your d**k.No one in the whole world has the love that i have for you.to make a true relationship email me directly on s***********@yahoo.com
I Am Michael Finnigan Begin-Again
All good things must come to an end. All of them. Luckily, this blog is not good. It is shitty. So it has not come to an end. I just took a break.
Nothing's happened. What ever does? For these weeks, I've felt the desire to describe nothing I observed in the world. Or rather... I've felt no desire to describe anything. There was definitely a LACK of feeling involved.
But my Spring Awakening entry has been getting a lot of attention lately, and I've also had some friends remind me how awesome they erroneously believe I am, so I'm back. And fatter than ever.
More to come. Soon. I promise.
Gay Agenda
Scott plans to:
[x] do a little dance
[ ] make a little love
[x] get down tonight
(Style credit to Samfriend)
[x] do a little dance
[ ] make a little love
[x] get down tonight
(Style credit to Samfriend)
Loved and Lost
Ok so I know I barely blog anymore goityvm. So I don't know if I've ever told you before, but one of the things in this fast-paced city of neon and chrome that makes me smile and softens my disposition without fail is this Jehovah's Witness who's often around the library or subway stop with her Watchtowers doing.... whatever it is they waste their time doing all day.
Anyway, she's super nice and always smiling and has a dowdy dress and a gap in her teeth, and I just love her. One day a few months back, I started smiling and nodding as I walked by, and she would smile and nod back and kind of gesture with her Watchtower and look really appreciative that I wasn't ignoring her like everybody else on the street. But I mean, obviously they are! Hello, nice lady, you're in midtown and everybody is late for work so nobody has time to become a Jehovah's Witness right now. Perhaps Jehovah can make an appearance at Starbucks, people will witness him there... and think it's just the caffeine.
I digress ANYWAY our relationship has progressed, and in about August the vixen slyly added a vocal element wherein she quietly says "Good morning!" and I say "Hi there!" Then there was a "How are you?" I'm telling you, it's intense. I see her up the street, and I prepare myself mentally for the experience. I have to stop daydreaming, compose myself, make sure my hair's ok, and then have a smile ready. It would be stressful if the payoff weren't so good.
Right, but like all good relationships in my life, I may have ruined it forever this morning. Today I decided I wanted to add an element, and short of stopping to chat (too risky while Jesus is still in her life) there aren't many options but a hand wave. Fine, good, hand wave it is. Unfortunately, I had things in both of my hands this morning, but I figured it didn't matter and that the gesture would still be appreciated.
The biggest stress in this morning's greeting preparation was choosing which hand to wave with, but I couldn't decide and was getting closer and closer and oh crap it's too late so as I said hi I recklessly chose and raised my left hand into the air, kinda awkwardly and a little too close to her face.
My left hand... the hand that was at the time holding a large and eye-catchingly reflective copy of the book The God Delusion. Big black letters IN YOUR FACE, JEHOVAH'S WITNESS! I know she saw it because as the book's silver cover shined a soft patch of sun on to her face, there was a moment of comprehension. She had, and I apologize for the pun, seen the light.... the light that says "THIS IS A FILTHY ATHEIST GAY BOY JEW!"
I played it cool and just lowered my arm and tried not to let go of the smile, but I was mortified. I didn't MEAN to deliver a message like that to her. I've officially pushed my 'beliefs' on her a million times more than she has on me. Yes, I've seen her book more than she's seen mine, but I don't even know what a Jehovah's Witness fucking is. This woman now knows my soul (or lack thereof) and I may have lost my daily happiness forever now.
In conclusion, it's true that atheists will never find satisfaction. May the Lord deliver me.... whatever that means.
Passions is on!?!?
Does anyone think I'm weird for being attracted to guys like Jim Brickman?
Because it's not just "Oh, he's a handsome man." I actually see a picture like this, and it makes me want to cuddle up with some hot cocoa next to the fire in our cabin while he plays easy listening Christmas tunes on our grand piano wearing a holiday sweater and gazing at me with the firelight in his eyes. And then we'll snuggle on the bear skin rug and read Great Expectations as the snowflakes silently drift by the window and the forest around us quietly slumbers.
I've never thought of myself as the woolen sweater man type, and I'm sure it would get old the next day when I was asked to fucking chop wood or something, but maybe that's what I need right now... a snowy weekend upstate with someone masculine, sensitive, cliche, and... tacky. I wish Indiana Jones were real and available... and gay... and still 35.
Speaking of romance and love I'll never have, I was disappointed this morning when I went for coffee and Sexy Latte Boy wasn't there, but after lunch I passed by again and he WAS so even though I didn't want anything, I got in line. He was working the register this time, so instead of getting a drink he'd have to defer to the barrista, I got tea, which he would have to make himself. But I was SUPER SAD to realize that I was 100% totes mistaken yesterday because the dude is 99% straight, I'm so sure. He just has this boyish way about him with the smiling and the ease with himself, and he tends to be friendlier with people who look like they might be the slightest bit interesting (i.e. not the Greybar businessman type that forms 90% of his clientele.) So there goes that eternal happiness, but I'm still going to go there and enjoy some quality crush time.
Right so following that disappointment, I'm leaving Grand Central and I hold the door for the guy behind me, though I can't do it well because I have hot tea in my hand, which he takes as an excuse to start up a conversation with me, during which he complimented my outfit, asked if I model, wondered why I DIDN'T model, and then told me I could model for him and "maybe more" and that he'd pay me. Lovely. So I don't get Jim Brickman or the Sexy Latte Boy, but I can have the 65-year-old man who thinks I'm a HOOKER!
Then he walked WITH me down the street and I found out he's Jimmy, he lives in a co-op on 44th St., he likes tall thin boys, he can guess my exact height in one try like a side show act, and ummm... right, he reminded me that I'm good-looking and just his type and I'm thinking jesus christ has my complete unwillingness to go home with you not clued you in to the fact that YOU'RE not MY type no matter how many new pairs of shoes I wish I had right now?
Eventually he pieced together that I have a boyfriend (not true, but I let him believe it) because "You're tall and good-looking. You've got it all."
Yeah, dude. I've got it all. Because I'm attractive. I don't know if I'm flattered by that or aghast as his serious lack of insight about what being attractive really gets you. And what it doesn't.
Cafe Olé
Guys I have wonderful news! I think I'm officially flirting with the guy at my new favorite coffee shop.
Ok, so I recently discovered Joe: The Art of Coffee in Grand Central which has super strong super good coffee so I hike over there every morning now and usually there is this cute blonde skinny boy in a hat (the same hat always) working the espresso machine and I like to look at him and he always smiles and says here you go real nice when he gives me my soy au lait.
Anyway today I was amongst a whole bunch of Australian businessmen somehow and I didn't think my boy was there, just all the girls who work, but then he came out from the back and was hanging out because there were girls manning the register and the machine, and he kept looking over and me and smiling bashfully and looking away, so I did it back and then he walked up and took my cup out of the line-up and made my drink! OMG love, is this what you taste like? Rich and bitter and... with soy?
Right so I am officially going back every morning for some serious cup-o'-joe mojo with my new sexy latte boy who's probably too young for me. Pray it keeps me up all night.
Dreeks le streumon
Real quick random video share, watching this seven-second video I went from intrigued to terrified to REALLY turned on.
I'm watching it over and over just for that smile at the end. Thanks, dreeks67!
Video Blog #1: Maiden Voyage, or, Champagne in the Ass
Ok so whimsy drove me to make a video blog. Who knows if I'll ever do it again, but I did it once.
I uploaded it to three places. So Buzznet decided its thumbnail capture should be me with my cat. NOT LOSERY. Vimeo chose a still of me in the gayest pose imaginable. And most importantly, YouTube decided one of my "related videos" in the sidebar should be "Boring Life of a Gay Loser". Thanks for the publicity, Internet!
Video Blog #1: Maiden Voyage, or, Champagne in the Ass from Too Hotty on Vimeo
In case the Vimeo embed doesn't work, here's the link to YouTube.
In retrospect, I realize that in this age of the soundbyte, the blurb, and fucking Twitter, a 10-minute video might be a lot to ask of people.... but too bad, I'm changing the world, you have to watch the whole thing.
Dirty, Pretty Things
Who gave it permission to be hot today? It's totally cramping my brand new style!
What's that, you say? I haven't told you about my brand new style? Well I'll be!
It began because I'm starting to hate all my clothes so I decided instead of throwing everything out in a rage, I'm going to try to find new ways to wear old things. So basically I established the Rule of Three, in which I must wear at least three (3) garments and an accessory. Shoes do not count. This way, I force myself out of the bad habit of just throwing on a shrit and a sorta matching pair of jeans every day. It's been working beautifully even though half the stuff in my closet I haven't worn or washed in... years or ever.
Today, for example, I'm wearing a medium-purple shirt, a cream-colored zip-up hoodie sweater, tan jeans, and a thin, flimsy brown scarf tied in a sort of ascot style underneath it all. Yes ASCOT because I am fashion forward now and I own 7 smoking jackets and a pipe. And I'm a queer.
Anyway, going into my closet in the morning is SO MUCH FUN now because of the possibilities. It's funny how putting effort into your life can make it better, right?
So soon I will know the things I really do want to get rid of (I'm still going to get rid of stuff) and then I will be the most stylish person in all the land. Of New York. Right.
Oh and I forgot to tell you why I'm nervous. I'm nervous because ok I got My Stepmother Is an Alien on Netflix and when it came, it was all shattered into a million pieces so I reported it broken and sent it back, and then the next one came and it was cracked down the middle! So I reported IT broken too and sent it back, and now I'm super scared that the third copy will also be destroyed and they'll think I'm doing it on purpose, like destroying copies of My Stepmother Is an Alien the world over, and then they'll cancel my Netflix account for abusing it and I WON'T BE ABLE TO WATCH SEASON 3 OF XENA: WARRIOR PRINCESS!
My left eyeball feels larger than normal, should I be concerned yes or no?
Our Nation is Capital
I did a bajillion things this weekend including look cute, go to some parties, meet some out of town friends, and not have any time to myself. The highlight was before my friend's production of On the Town in Staten Island, the whackjob director said a few words and then made some horrible joke about Obama and McCain being there and introducing them and being all shocked when they didn't come out. Everyone in the theater was sitting there totally uncomfortable like "Good God this is so unfunny stupid that we want to leave but we can't because we have to see our friend perform in this crazy fat man's show." And then he said "Well, you know who IS here is our very own senator Hillary Clinton!" And I was prepared for another STUPID AWKWARD SILENCE when Senator Clinton inevitably failed to show up on stage but WONDERS BEHOLD there she was: a woman dressed as Hillary Clinton walking to the mike.
She gave some miserably unfunny speech about how she sang the national anthem on YouTube and being so proud to be there. It was the most tasteless display I think I've ever seen, one of those things where you're embarassed to even exist in this world because you have to share it with people who find this amusing. Then to finish up she made us all stand while she sang the Star Spangled Banner in this warbly church lady mezzo, complete with the wannabe diva leap of a partial on "o'er the land of the freeeeeEEEEEEE!" I felt like Mahmoud Ahmadinejad at an Iranian gay pride parade: "This isn't happening. This isn't happening. It must be destroyed."
Here's a picture Cindy took of Christian and me where if we were a band, this would be our ablum cover except where I'm brighter and he's darker.
Chapter 2
Today on Creepy Subway People this guy was standing next to me with a little digital camera, right, and he made like he was looking through his old photos, but then I caught him taking a picture of the girl reading next to us. He zoomed in and started scrolling around and at first I thought he just wanted to see what book she was reading, but then he scrolled up just a little more and I remembered oh right, men like boobs.
It was totally gross. I eventually moved across the subway car at the next stop to be by my door, and another pretty girl, kinda nymph-like, came on. He took a picture of her too and then glanced at me and realized I'd been watching him so he looked all awkward for a minute and then turned around and started pretending to take pictures out the car window, but I knew better. I didn't mean to ruin his fun, I mean do what you want as long as that thing's not attached to your shoe I don't care.
Doings
Oh p.s. wonderful news, I beat the next Gym Leader, who specialized in Plant Pokemon. I took out his first two with my brand new bunny rabbit, Bun Bun, who has replaced Eunice the Bidoof in both cuteness and fierceness. Bun Bun has this awesome move called Frustration that deals more damage if the rival Pokemon and his trainer aren't very good friends. Apparently the plant bitch and her pets didn't bond enough because he kicked some SERIOUS ASS! I know you were all so curious.
I also finished Xena season 2, the last episode of which was kind of ok, but so not season finale calibur. I don't even remember what happened in it, that's how little I care.
Oops, abandoned blog entry, this has been sitting here foraboutever and I have to go home k bye.
Macho Macho Man
Ok new rule NO CREEPY RELIGIOSITY ON THE SUBWAY!
So there was this woman across the subway from me reading and looking up at me now and then so I'm thinking "She thinks I'm cute or she thinks I'm a threat." Turns out it was none of the above because when the doors opened behind me and she was passing me to leave, I found out the book she was reading was the Bible because she closed it, looked at me meaningfully and touched the spine to my shoulder as if in blessing, warning, or condemnation. I'm like "Hello I didn't even open my mouth am I THAT FUCKING GAY!?!"
This isn't even the first time, once at the beginning of the summer I was walking to work and this cute Korean woman ran after me and got my attention. She was holding something out I figured I had dropped (why else would she CHASE me) but it was actually one of those Chick pamphlets all about Sodom and Gomorrah and the sin of homosexuality complete with drawings of tattooed, pierced, child-raping men all trussed up with perfect eyebrows. Even Jesus knows gay men have better eyebrows.
So ok I may not be the most manly man in all of Christendom, but I don't think I exude deviancy. I mean there are MUCH CREEPIER men in the world who are ALSO ugly and unclean and harass people and touch them, which is a much greater affront to the Lord. Whatever.
Here read this story. I can't decide whether crazy x-tians actually think vampires are real. Vote yes or no.
This post is about Pokemon
So the story goes that earlier this week I bought a Nintendo DS and a few games: Zelda, which I have not started, Professor Layton, which I have finished, and Pokemon Diamond, which I have become completely obsessed with in the past 10 minutes.
I never used to be a Pokemon fan. Perpetually last in line for anything trendy, I haven't played a Pokemon game until, well, yesterday. Aside from finding some of the characters adorable and learning to play the card game when I was in college, it was blizzarding, and I found a free CD-ROM I had received in the mail, I didn't understand how this little animal game became so big. Now I get it, and it's all I can think about right now, so you get to hear all about my experience and I SAW THAT, DON'T YOU DARE LEAVE WITHOUT READING THIS WHOLE THING!!!
Let me start out by saying I'm absolutely shit at this game--this game that is designed for 8-year-olds. It was neat at first walking around the town filled with characters that all have the same hobby and talk about that hobby and where every television is tuned to the same station that also talks about that hobby, which is enslaving wild animals and throwing them into a giant, global cockfight. And then I left the town and caught a few animals and knocked some bats out of the sky. It was great! I had a little group of Pokemon that I gave little names and started to love.
But all of a sudden, the system went PSYCHO on me and pitted me up against my first "Gym Leader," where I was expected to take out a 25-foot snake made of rocks with a pigeon and a hamster. I realized I had perhaps rushed into things.
After a humiliating defeat, I went back and got some more animals, but I still can't beat that Gym Leader. It's ok, though, I'll get there. I have total faith in my little pets, and we grow closer and more powerful every hour.
My favorite is my fire monkey because he is strong and will apparently "evolve" into a Flaming Ape or something pretty soon. I also have an electric cat thing that I named Minx before I realized it was a boy, so he's my gay Pokemon. He's blue and shows promise as a warrior.
My struggling underdog is the hamster. She's actually a "bidoof" since nothing in the game can have a normal, mundane name, but she's essentially a hamster. I named her Eunice. Eunice the Bidoof. She gets her ass kicked pretty regularly, at which point I usually call out "This bidoof has ceased to be! It is an ex-bidoof!" But no matter how many times she's knocked down, she gets right back up again. She always fights and never gives up and is therefore a true inspiration to me.... y'know, because we both suck at stuff.
Other than the pigeon (Pidgin), a glamorous-looking cicada/bug thing (Velma), and a bat (Bat), I caught a couple fish. The first one I named, but then I realized that the fish have no moves and can do fuck all but flop around and "splash", so I filleted the thing and caught another so I could name it Sarah Palin.
That's my Pokemon family so far. Last night I played for like an hour and lost the the Gym Leader again, so turned it off. "Feh." But today I got to talking about it with Kevin and started getting excited, and he's going to give me a water Pokemon that doesn't suck like Sarah Palin because rock is weak to water and I'm going to use him and the rest of my army to erode that rock snake that looks like anal beads, and I'm going to catch more animals and make them fight and find out their strengths and weaknesses and become the BEST POKEMON TRAINER IN ALL THE WORLD AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHOMGOMGOSFIS&DO%*(#$&*$(!@N
Because of an Earlier Incident...
This morning was one of those where the 6 train is running behind so much that the 77th St. platform is filled wall to gap with annoyed commuters not getting their $82/month worth. I usually hate this. I hate being jostled, I hate watching 3 trains go by until there is finally one I can fit on, and I hate that everyone thinks they're so important and refuse to understand that everyone there is late and has somewhere they'd rather be.
Whatever, but today I was feeling pretty zen about the whole thing, so as a couple of trains came and went, I made my way to the south end of the platform so I could get the end car like I like to do. It was super crowded, but I ended up standing where the door would come right to me next to this really sexy boy with floppy, golden-brown hair and a nice shirt and cheekbones forever with kinda pale skin and he smelled great. Oh, and he was reading The Jungle, so that was pretty hot too.
Of course when the train came, everyone was pushing and arguing like this was the last train out before they nuclear bombed the Upper East Side, but I wasn't annoyed because I ended up near the opposite door like I like AND smooshed up against the sexy boy who didn't stop reading his book.
So I stood there enjoying the sight and smelling him and pretending he was mine because I'm creepy like that, and I thought to myself "This boy is perfect. This is exactly what my life should be like." I daydreamed some stories of love with him and enjoyed a euphoric patheticness.
But, alas, as they say: "The ripest apple is the soonest rotten; the warmest love is the soonest cold." It wasn't 2 minutes before my romantic reverie was shattered to seriously sharp and eye-gouging pieces.
It happened between 68th St. and 59th: the thing that subway travellers fear above all else. More than accidents, more than breakdowns, more than those fucking mariachi bands. It started out as a little tickle in my nose, but one second later my stomach heaved as my entire nervous system was seized by the most offensive effluvium ever emitted by man or beast. It was wretched. Somebody had farted.
The subway fart is an interesting phenomenon because everyone reacts to it the same way. It's so crowded that nobody knows where it came from. I've always called it the Ghost Fart. The Silent Boo Diddly, if you will.
As usual, I watched as people became aware of the offense and started pretending they didn't notice, all the whole sneaking looks around deciding on who they were going to blame. Nobody says anything, but you can tell. It's the person they glance askance at more than once. I don't usually get blamed, which is nice. It's because I'm tall and attractive and clean. The people who get the looks are usually ugly or dirty. So, a couple people chose a chubby guy with a bad combover toward the door opposite me. I, however, agreed with the man in the purple tie that the offender was an seedy-looking mid-50's guy with a fake tan and dyed black hair, the bastard.
The only person who didn't seem to react adversely to the onslaught was my sexy boy. Usually ignoring the ghost fart too intently implies guilt, but I know it wasn't him. He's the type who would have the decency to at least shuffle his feet uncomfortably if he had done it. No, I chalked up his non-reacting to his novel. I imagined him immersed in Sinclair's world of meat and carnage, catching a whiff, and thinking "This book is great, wow, I feel like I'm there!"
It took until after 51st St. for the air to fully return to normal, at which point I couldn't bring back the magical place I had reached with my sexy boy. At Grand Central, though, I had one last pleasurable moment when the conductor braked a tad too hard and the boy was thrust into me, his chiseled, marble pectoral pressing into my cushiony soft one, a dim reminder of the love I felt.
So it wasn't a total loss. I mean, it inspired my awesome Boo Diddly pun. And to quote another idiom: "It is better to have creepily lusted after someone for 2 minutes than never to have loved at all." I have my memories of subway attraction unrequited. He has his Sinclair and a happy obliviousness.
Having forever gone our separate ways, I guess there is just one thing we share and will always have: the essence of the slaughterhouse.
Elephart.... eew, pretend I named this post something else...
Dudes, you gotta see this!
My response: "Holy shit, that elephant draws better than I fucking can!"
Shake 'n Bakey!!!
There's nothing like waking up early, playing video games, depositing a fistful of cash into the bank, giving to charity, and getting a free donut all with perfect hair to set a Friday off right.
Here's the story. I woke up early. (That part's easy.) Then I played through the Tribal Stage of Spore, a game that actually kind of sucks because the novelty of building a creature kinda wears off after 10 minutes and then you're like "This game is about as hard as Sesame Street ABC would be for an autistic Voltaire scholar." I wiped out 5 rival tribes in 30 minutes, after which my blue dinosaurs with flowers growing out their heads (scientific name: Trannysaurus Rex) built a city hall shaped like a spurting penis and I switched my computer over to xtube.
After my shower, I went to the bank to deposit TWO paychecks because I had forgotten to do the last one, so I feel super rich now. SO rich, in fact, that when the nice girl in the lobby standing next to a table of brownies and doughnuts and stuff asked me if I'd give a dollar or two to help leukemia research, I gave her 20. She was so happy, so I was so happy, and I got to take a doughnut. I guess technically the doughnut wasn't free. A REAL cynic would claim I paid $20 for the doughnut, but that's dumb. It was free to me.
Oh and my hair looks awesome today. It did when I left the house, at least. I haven't seen myself since then.
Kevin: i have a song by Beck that was remixed by a chiptunes artist
and its probably one of my favorite songs on my ipod
its all gameboy music and beck's voice
me: Cool. I don't really follow Beck.
I ain't no Follow Beck Girl!
AAAAAHAHAHAHA!
3M
Today my Starbucks croissant tastes like hot dogs. Eating it has made me crave hot dogs.
Oh wait, maybe it's more the fact that I ALWAYS crave fucking hot dogs. Yesterday for lunch, I had meatballs. Today for lunch, I am having Japanese, which will mean it's light and healthy. But do you know what I really want for lunch today? Meatballs again.
Meatballs make me feel like a man. It is the only food I know that combines meat and balls, two things that make men manly.
Another thing that makes men manly is being a bookie. For example, one time I met and took home a guy at a bar. He only had one ball, but he was a bookie, so it evened out. He also wore a Hawaiian shirt. Hawaiian shirts do not make men manly. They make men douchebaggy. Or tourists. Or just kinda unfashionable in a sometimes endearing way. They made the bookie douchebaggy.
Here ends my treatise on masculinity.
TBJIF!
I woke up this morning with a total brains-craving (i.e. zombie-like) and layed in bed for two hours and so ended up SUPER late to work and in a bad mood, but it was cured and you get to find out how!
Steps for an Instant Good Day
- A creepy but not wholly unattractive upper-middle-aged man ogles you on the subway and whispers "Hoooooot" as you pass by in your new sunglasses. That's "hot", not "hoot". If he whispered "hoot", it would have been approx. 10% more uplifting. (n.b. I did notice that this man had a zit, though, so he may have just been feeling Pizzaface Kindred Spiritness. I told you about my zit, right?)
- When you get to work, the new guy brings in Chinese pork buns, which are exactly the kind of fatty, salted thing you'd been craving for days.
- Lastly, you play a fun word game in your head all by yourself until you decide to ask your Facebook friends for help even though barely anyone does. I played "Ends with -cello with a CH Sound." The results: violoncello, lemoncello, Monticello, and Annette Funicello.
And I've been in a fabulous mood ever since!
Another thing that helped is finding out a bluemoon chat buddy of mine has embarked on a delightful little romance, the story of which is one of those that restores ones faith in love.
Oh but also I'm SUPER PISSED because Tropical Storm Hannah Montana is going to cause it to rain all day tomorrow on my birthday plans, so NOBODY'S ALLOWED TO STAY HOME or I should be very cross with you.
Ok I'm going to lunch.
Sunglasses, Racism, PRK Redux
I did something vaguely political this morning and listened to the Sarah Palin speech all the way through. I think that's enough serving my country for this year. To prove it, I'm not even going to tell you how I feel, but direct you to read this guy because I basically agree with him and he's funnier.
Ok back to talking about me, so I was going to tell you more about my brand new face, but now I'm embarassed because I have two brand new zits. Thanks, face, right in time for my birthday too.
Anyway the story about the sunglasses lady goes Last week my mom took me to buy my first pair(s) of sunglasses, so we went to Sunglass Hut at the mall. I love that. We were the only ones in there, so the super nice Russian shopkeep started helping us and telling me what she liked and when things came in other colors. At one point, though, these two kinda hoodlum-looking Latino boys came in. One was short with this oversized Fubu jersey and the other had this bad moustache. Anyway, they weren't in the store for two seconds when the shopkeeper excused herself, went over to them, and said "You had better not steal anything. I'm not stupid, and I'm watching you." Then she came back over to my mom and I and was all "It's always the same type. They come in here and look around and when they leave, things are missing." And she's saying this LOUD and wanting my mom and I to agree, which we can't do and still be considered decent people so I was like "I dunno, I've never owned a store mumble mumble..."
I also have an online friend who's Russian who HATES blacks and latinos. I wonder if it's a thing. (Actually he's not a friend, he doesn't talk about anything but broadway musicals and the twinky 18-year-olds he likes, but I keep him around because sometimes his broken English makes funny sentences. Would believe he ACTUALLY said to me once "Too bad you're not a cute 18-year-old" as if to imply that we could have some sort of RELATIONSHIP if I were? I was like "Bitch, in that case turning 19 and growing my 5 chest hairs is the best thing that ever happened to me!")
Anyway, I guess you gotta respect the woman for putting her notorious racism right out on the table, but those kids left and we were trying to check out and the woman kept talking about "that type who steals." Whatever, I'm over it, I got two pairs of awesome sunglasses.
Oh and let me tell you my joke I made up while being ignored under the laser. Stop me if you've heard it (which you have multiple times if you've spoken to me in the past week).
Q: Where do you go when you're blinded and need to be cured?
A: The Peek-a-Boo ICU!!!
AAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA! I slay.
I really can't begin to tell you how happy I am about my eyes now. I feel like a brand new person... more confident (but for my BREAKOUT), more awake. The world is bigger, and I feel like I'm connecting with people more when I talk to them. It's really amazing! Ok I'm done.
PRK
Hello, blog! I've missed you but obviously not enough to take 5 minutes to update you even though I've been able to for like a week now. So much has happened.... let's see, what can we talk about?
Blah, in short I got my eyes lasered and have perfect vision, but in doing so I have rediscovered the plague of undereye circles and puffiness that I can no longer hide with glasses. I've always had this problem, but add to that the fact that I haven't slept properly since I got back to New York, shake, chill, and basically I look way scary all the time so instead of people going "OMG YOU LOOK AWESOME WITHOUT GLASSES!" they're like "Oh, you're back.... so are your eyes ok?"
But to give you the full story, yes. My eyes are fabulous.
For years, my dad had been pestering me to get LASIK surgery because of the cool kids, and I finally relented and got a consultation this summer. The consultation said I have thin corneas (yeah, I know, losery) but that I was still a candidate for PRK (photorefractive keratectomy), which is similar to LASIK. The difference is that with LASIK, they cut a flap in your cornea and flip it up, do the laser thing, and then flip it back down. PRK creates no permanent flap, they just remove a portion of the out layer of your cornea (a WEIRD sensation, I might add) and then let that heal. PRK takes longer to recover from, and is supposed to be painful, but it's techincally a less invasive procedure.
Anyway, so they give you a pill of the calming variety and then numbing eyedrops, thank God, because the next step is lying in the chair and having those Clockwork Orange eye opening clamps put in your eye and being forced to watch as the doctor cuts and scrapes away the top layer of your eyeball. It's completely bizarre. It bunches up like cellophane, and then they pick it up with tweezers. It's about as close to you as anything you've seen, yet there's still this sense of distance like it's happening a centimeter or so from your eye. Vision's a funny thing.
Anyway, then all you have to do is stare at this red dot for 30 seconds to a minute. It's got a big white circle around it. As you do this, try not to think about the fact that the dot is actually a sizzling laser melting your eyeballs. My doctor was really good at making me feel at ease by ignoring me and talking to the nurses about sports. I figured "If he's not worried, I'm not worried," though by the end I started to feel ignored and said some inane things to draw the attention back to me like "This is fun. I wish I had a third eye."
Going into this procedure, I was a little nervous because people on the internet reported major pain the few days after the surgery. They were all "OMG TAKE YOUR VALIUM BEFORE YOU GO IN OR YOU WILL REGRET IT!" My cousin Kevin had PRK too, and he said he was so sensitive to light for the first few days that he couldn't even look at the clock on his stereo and had to sit in complete darkness in his basement. So imagine my surprise when I woke up the next day with no pain and walked upstairs into the sunny kitchen for a bagel with no problem. It was like I was a normal person, except I couldn't read or focus properly or watch TV or stare at a computer. So I listened to my Harry Potter audio books for 3 days before I was comfortable enough to watch the entire last season of Charmed in a day. (OMG, the girl from that nerd sitcom was in it and she was a witch looking for her lost sister but then they turned EVIL, it was so awesome and shitty!) A little light sensitivity prevented me from a sunny afternoon out, but that passed too! And now I can see perfectly, and it is only getting better every day! Also, I have a bottle of codine I never used if anyone's interested.
The last part of my story is about the woman at the sunglasses store, but I will tell it later because it is coffee time and this is long.
The Adventures
Hi, I had an exciting weekend with almost NO INTERNET! I went to a party Friday where I was the token social outcast, but I met some people and then randomly ran into ALL of them the following night where I was less awkward yet embarassingly WEARING THE EXACT SAME THING because I left the house Saturday morning expecting to just go to the park for a couple hours by myself but ended up having lunch out and dinner with Brian who finally called me back after like 2 weeks I mean 50 years. Whatever.
Sunday after a lovely day of MoMA and dinner at Cafeteria, I went home and watched the end of season one of Xena, where Gabrielle DIED and Xena totally lost her mind and was crying and freaking out so I started crying and freaking out, and Xena was beating on her body refusing to accept her death, and then her She-Ra strength jump-started Gabrielle's heart so I started crying again. To conclude, I have serious emotional problems because I can go to a Holocaust exhibit and hear about the torture and murder of millions of real people and think "Yeah yeah, what else ya got?" but as soon as Gabrielle or Buffy's mom die or even that lesbian in that crappy BBC show about witches, suddenly I need a blanket and a tissue and a razor blade.
Ooh, and I never told you about Thursday! On Thursday, Xena got shot with a poison dart and was weakened, so Gabrielle had to impersonate her to help a town defeat an evil overlord, but she got found out. DRAMA! And then Xena DIED, and Gabrielle did all she could to convince them to let her leave with Xena's body, but the evil overlord was going to draw and quarter it. Little did he know, however, that one of the horses he was using was Xena's, and the horse conspired with the other horses through a series of meaningful glances to not run no matter how much they were whipped. It was the most poignant expression of stalwart heroism in media history. Anyway, it turns out Xena wasn't dead, but rather allowed herself to slip into a voluntary coma in order to fully allow her body to battle the toxin. In the end, Xena told Gabrielle how touching it was that Gabrielle risked her life to bring Xena's body back home, and I cried then too.
Ok now that I've effectively lost my entire readership, let me announce that I'm going to Chicago for a week and a half and getting laser eye surgery, and I probably won't be on the internet at all but wish me luck and prepare to be so jealous of me when I return and can see like a hawk. I plan to have such good eyesight that I can see every pore in a person's face from across a dark bar and will therefore never be attracted to another man as long as I live.
Snotball Blog
Unnnnnngh......
I stayed home all day yesterday alternating between reading two hours and sleeping two hours. First I was reading one of my Icelandic sagas, but that was too hard because of all the names so I started the Decameron, but that was too hard because it's written for grown ups and my copy smells like spores, so I switched to this shitty young adult fantasy book that I don't even really like, but I was all "Yes. This is the level at which my brain is functioning right now."
There are a lot of icky summer bugs going around New York right now. Yesterday, I think I had all of them.
Today is better, but mostly because I'm all jacked up on DayQuil, which makes me feel pretty woozy in a pleasant detached sort of way. I get exhausted and my heart beats real fast just by climbing a simple staircase, which is less fun, but the benefit of that is hopefully I look like shit so people will feel sorry for me. I didn't put any product in my hair this morning to maximize the effect.
OOH my ears just popped! Wow, the world is so alive around me! It's like a carnival of sounds! I can hear.... whirring and typing and.... whirring. (100 points if you know the TV show to which the last two sentences were an homage.)
To conclude, this had better not get in the way of me having fun this weekend. Oh, but I'm not drinking alcohol or caffeine until after my eye surgery (to avoid dryness) so maybe fun was out of the question in the first place. Just kidding, I can have fun without alcohol. Just kidding.
Extra extra
More good news! The A/C is still broken and I'm getting my second cold this month! This one's not really a scratchy throat/cough like last time, but more of a runny nose sinusey SPLITTING HEADACHE. I'm glad Fate is letting me experience every cold symptom imaginable this summer in case I forgot what it was like to be miserable.
Actually I blame the atmosphere for all my woes. If people can blame gays for the weather, I can blame the weather for whatever problems I have WHY CAN'T I HAVE A PONY, WEATHER!?!?!
Other things I did this weekend were go out and take pictures that all came out shitty and play Wii. When I last played in like December, I had 99 stars on Mario Galaxy, now I have 105. I'll keep you updated. Oh, and I watched some Xena, but they were crap episodes that I paid zero attention to, so I'm sorry. I knew how much you were looking forward to discussing this week's adventures.
Oh, also it was raining for like 10-15 minutes this morning. Check out this e-mail I got at work:
This morning's heavy rain has overwellmed the drains in the building.
Reports have come in of "black water spewing from the drains".
If a condition like this has occured in your area please call me for clean up.
Emphasis mine.
Anyway, how disgusting is that? Instead of risking it, I've been following an intricate bowel/bladder regimen I call "Holding It". At 2:30, I will go to Starbucks across the street for a piss and perhaps one of those orange mango banana blends with the appetite suppresant protein powder inside because I just ate a gentleman's portion of lasagna for lunch (if the gentleman in question is the size of Saturn) so I'm alarmed that I'm getting hungry again already and would like to put off dinner until midnight, after I'm asleep and it's too late.
The guy across the aisle is watching anime on YouTube again. OH time to pee, see ya!
IT'S LIKE A HEAT WAVE! BURNIN' IN MY HEART!
I'm going to tell you a story called this morning I fought my way through a throng of A-cup Jonas Brothers fans and their unemployed moms and confronted an NYPD cop trying to stop me from entering work though I had practically shoved my ID into his (rather chiseled and dreamy) face ONLY TO GET TO MY OFFICE and find out the air conditioning's broken and it's like 80 degrees in here.
My first thought was "Oh, I never noticed we don't have windows to open, probably because of the abundance of natural lighting from those skylights we have." My second thought was "Oh good I can't wait until noon when the sunlight turns this place into a real live sauna only without the free sex!"
So while I suffocate, let me tell you another story called last night on Xena, Xena and Gabrielle teamed up with the King of Thieves who looked like an ugly Matt Dillon to steal a chest that contained a powerful weapon. Xena pretended to be a whore, which was neat because she kissed a long-haired guy I liked and then blah blah blah and at the end the chest had a light inside the set you on fire if you ran away, and it turns out the chest was the Ark of the Covenant.
And so Xena brought the Ten Commandments down to the Jews, who were homeless people on an ox cart. I recently started reading the Bible (for literary purposes), and I'm up to the second plague of Egypt, but I think I can skip ahead past the rest of the Moses part because that's obvs not how it really happened, THANKS XENA FOR SETTING ME RIGHT!
Ok from now I'm going to tell you all about that happened in Xena after I watch it 12 years after it aired.
Lastly before I spontaneously combust here is a picture of my cat I took last night.
Lessons for your life to make it better
Lesson #1
Never take a sleep aid for the first time and then forget to set your alarm clock.
Lesson #2
Everything (EVERYTHING) is better when you put an annoying and repetitive song in all of your coworkers' heads. I had a great day yesterday despite the gloomy weather and my stomach ache I didn't tell you about, so I was singing Macho Man all over the place and you know how everyone only knows two lines of that stupid song.
Lesson #3
No matter how old I get, I never stop being a TOTAL LOSER! Look at the art I made:
This one I call "Hork!"
This one's name I call "Snitch".
"Victory!"
Also get ready for my BIRTHDAY PARTY in a month. Everyone's invited but only certain people get to know where it is.
P.S. is anyone else reeling that Tempestt Bledsoe Vanessa is 35 today? That makes me like.... 25. Christ.
Things that Suck About Being a Boy, v. 1
Don't you hate it when you go to pee but it comes out going the wrong direction? It usually fixes itself right away, thank god, because otherwise there's nothing you can do about it. Sometimes when it DOESN'T fix itself right away, you swivel to compensate and that's when it fixes so you're just peeing all over everything in the opposite direction.
Mine always happens to the right. It used to always happen right to the spot my cat would sit to watch me pee, but that was a long time ago. Now she doesn't watch anymore, she just goes into the shower. Eew, I said shower.
Anyway as you may have guessed I peed all over the place just now. Moving on...
Awesome new-to-me website: Totally Looks Like so go look at it.
Welcome to my blog, it is an intellectual feedbag
I have a spider bite or a zit or something under my eye and everyone thinks I got punched in the face and I'm totally disfigured. Pics to come.
Why do all my ailments have to be in the form of skin conditions?! Oh look, Scott has a zit, Scott has eczema, Scott has a viral abcess MAYBE SCOTT WANTS SOME NICE GANGRENE TO GO WITH IT! Why can't I just have something invisible like scarlet fever or the consumption?
What else did I do this weekend except become ugly, let's see.... my friend Ryan came in, which is nice because he's a bigger nerd than me and brought me a Buffy the Vampire Slayer novelization because he has ALL of them so everyone go laugh at Ryan. I also went to the Morgan Library and the Jewish Museum. Y'know what's weird? It's weird how you can go to museums and stuff and feel like you're learning things and then the next day you still don't know shit about anything. I saw the three Gutenberg Bibles, which was a little neat but largely underwhelming. I thought they'd be haunted or something, but they're really just Bibles with pretty illuminations in a poorly-lit room.
This used to be a paragraph about the Holocaust and what people are and are not allowed to say about it, but I took it out because it was too serious and would probably just piss people off.
Other activites included watching The Triplets of Belleville, my new favoritest movie ever, and reading more of that Genji book that I am increasingly less likely to finish. Increasingly less... hm.
Also on Sunday I ate lunch and then I ate dinner and then at 10:00 I decided I was still hungry so I ordered a large pizza and ate the entire thing. Nom nom nom let's hear it for my tapeworm!
Dear Diary,
i'm finally getting breasts! it's soooo exciting now i can TF like all the other girls hee hee
i just wish someone would tell me what that means.
newayz I wanted to thank god and also my sister tanya's boob lube cream for making me so so soooo happy!!!
i hope the other one starts developing soon!
Lizzie
Oh hi guys, did I tell you I'm writing a teen romance novel? I hope you enjoyed chapter one.
FWAP!
Y'know how sometimes life smacks you in the face and runs away cackling? Like you're walking by a shop window and smell fresh cookies and reminisce about your loving grandmother's baking until you remember she died in a kitchen accident. Or worse, you're at the store and one of the checkout boys is really cute and then you GET him and as he's ringing you up you look him up and down and at his pretty hair until you realize there's a tattoo of the Starship Enterprise on his arm.
That happened to me today. Not the first one, my grandma died with dignity. There was also an armband tattoo only instead of a faux Celtic pattern, it was Klingon.
Ok full disclosure it was the comic book store so I got what I deserved but honestly, you can like Star Trek but have a little -- again I say -- dignity.
Just kidding I'm thinking of getting a Harry Potter tattoo but a discreet one that you wouldn't know unless you were also a major loser ok thx bie.
i'm freeeeee
Ok new goal. I'm not going to trim my hair again until October! Because I'm trying to grow it out but the last couple times I've gone in for a trim, my beautiful Agnes has taken a bit more off than I'd like. Anyway, right, so I'm getting it recolored after my eye surgery in August but nothing else until October or even later if I have the conviction. I'm a convict.
This morning I went to a sort of publishers' new release expo thing here at work, and I got a free bagel and a muffin and coffee and about 20 books and Lisa Loeb sang stuff from her new children's album, which is going to be awesome. That was just the children/YA portion. This afternoon is the adult part, where I will get free lunch and hopefully even more free books.
I totally didn't belong there this morning and we left during all the presentations, but I changed my hairstyle like 5 minutes ago, so maybe they won't recognize me.
BORING STORY FROM MY PAST ALERT so I made that heart out of felt a few years ago for a boyfriend on Valentine's Day, but as I was making it, he pissed me off really bad so instead of making a Happy Heart from the Land of Sundrops and Rainbows, I gave him that eyepatch and made him bitter like I was and then I kept him for myself and didn't get my boyfriend anything for Valentine's Day. Anyway I love him and now you all know how artistic I am. You also know that if you piss me off before a holiday, I won't buy you anything. His name is Pierre.
Here I am reading my million page book I'll never finish.
That's my totally undefined arm.
Tonight I'm having mexican to stay tuned to hear all about my upset bowels later.
Goodbye, Social Life, we're breaking up
I completely overextended myself this weekend like I never have in my life. I have a hard time balancing the two main drives in my life: "having friends" and "ignoring everybody" so I fluctuate between the two. One weekend I'll stay in by myself and lie about being busy so people don't pester me to do stuff with them and the next weekend I'll make so many plans that I practically die.
On top of being super busy, I also got sick as you know, so it was extra crazed and I still have a cough. Anyway, I saw a bunch of movies, including Dark Knight, during which I was sick and tired and drunk and eating an entire medium popcorn with Rasinettes so I had a stomach ache too so I don't really know what happened in it, but it was pretty good. I dunno, it was a little too intense. And am I allowed to say Christian Bale was just alright? I'm feel like I'm not allowed to say anything bad about this movie for fear of NERD LYNCH MOBS so I dunno. I need to see it again. Oh, but P.S. filmmakers, when you punch and kick people it does not make a deafening bass WHUMP WHUMP sound, especially if you're wearing a rubber suit.
I also saw Mamma Mia, which was weak, but I wasn't allowed to have that opinion either because of all the gay around me. I was kinda drunk for that one too. Hellboy II was fun. No criticism except they didn't use David Hyde Pierce again.
What else did I do this weekend that required sitting on my ass for 2 hours... oh right I saw The Little Mermaid on Broadway, which was cute and colorful and restored my faith in the child actor. The little kid who played Flounder wasn't whiny or obnoxious or high-pitched or blonde or any of those horrible things all (ALL) Broadway children are. He can't dance for shit, but hopefully that just means he has friends instead of dance lessons.
Anyway I was so tired and exhausted from those things and some cocktail parties, brunches, late nights, early mornings, alcohol, and being sick that yesterday I did my favorite thing ever and stayed inside all day watching Xena: Warrior Princess and that is going to be my life from now on.
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